North South

ACCENT
Northern accents are never described as 'soft'. Vowels in particular are 'hard', 'broad' or, a favourite, 'flat'. The short northern 'a' was standard pronunciation before the mid-eighteenth century: the drawled southern 'a' was considered rustic and regional. NEVER allude to this. Northerners like Kevin Whately, David Pleat, Michael Parkinson, and even Jimmy Armfield are now heard to say 'pass' and 'fast' southern fashion. John Murray and Jack Charlton try to speak in a posh Geordie. This should encourage you all. In your sensitive novel you may deplore racism, but do not hesitate to saddle your most rebarbative character with an accent 'from somewhere north of the Trent'.
In reality-based TV dramas Scots, Welsh or Irish figures may speak appropriately. Those with English regional accents e.g. Sir Joshua Reynolds, Doctor Johnson or Eileen Blair (George Orwell's wife) must be given educated home counties speech.

ACCIDENTS
Tube fires, derailments, or floods near London (as well as crimes of course) must get huge coverage in all outlets - photographs, top reporters on the spot, interviews for days, pressure on the government, trials, public inquiries, anniversary services. Incidents in the provinces should receive comparatively brief and muted coverage.

AIR, FRESH
To promote dispersal fears, always film the North in late autumn or winter, all trees bare, particularly in comedy or drama series. Stand in an exposed spot if speaking to camera: refer to quiet, unspoiled areas of fell country as 'bleak' (q.v.) or even 'desolate', and, preferably, 'windswept'. Smile tautly and then say: 'There's certainly plenty of fresh air up here.' Repeat this at intervals, smiling.

AIRPORTS
Call Heathrow Airport (wrongly) the busiest in the world. Gatwick, 'London Stansted' and 'London Luton Airport' (all as far from London as Northallerton is from Newcastle) may be written about at length. No other airport in Britain may be mentioned unless there's been an accident. No celebrities should ever be photographed arriving there. This ensures that they won't do so - a circular effect which works to London's benefit.

AMERICANS
Persuade these to tell you how fond they are of England. What they mean is London. Like all foreigners they 'love' London. No one merely likes the city, and certainly no one detests it. No American has ever mentioned anywhere in England north of Cambridge or Stratford, so don't prompt them. All American films set 'in England' are of course located in London. This identification of London with England prompts American philanthropists to fork out for London 'causes' most generously. This also applies to other countries whose correspondents all live in London and base their copy largely on what media men like yourselves see fit to report.

ART
Of the great artists, first and second divisions, London and the South East hold some 530 pictures. The North, including Scotland, has 34. Quote Lord Rees-Mogg: 'We live as two artistic nations - London, and everyone else'. Approve but stay cool. Nothing will happen. Naturally, no mention of galleries or museums outside London need ever be made when large questions of funding are discussed.
If any work of art is important, it must be in London, and conversely if it is not in London, it is not important. Where by some fluke there is a fine piece in the provinces, no expense must be spared in getting it to London. If Durham Cathedral and Hardwick Hall could be dismantled and shipped to the capital, it would be money well spent. Great works of art looted from the provinces by the Tudors (e.g. the Lindisfarne Gospels) must be retained in the capital, because they are now 'national treasures'. Naturally any notion of selling a London piece should be opposed vociferously opposed and huge sums of taxpayers money devoted to 'saving it for the nation'.
The only contemporary artists are those who live in London. Francis Bacon, alas, is no more, but Lucian Freud (ad nauseam) and Frank Auerbach can be constantly celebrated. 'Britart' is of course Londart.

ARTS
Five sixths of taxpayers money spent on the arts goes to London. This must never be mentioned under any circumstances. Instead, speak of 'centres of excellence' or 'the national culture', identifying these exclusively with London venues. Bogus comments about this public money supporting 'elitist' interests obscure the real point - the huge subsidy for London. Visitors to Kew Gardens and the Natural History Museum are subsidised at up to Ł20 a head. Loss-making ventures on the South Bank are subsidised at the expense of the regions - a seat in the National Film Theatre receives six times as much as its Tyneside equivalent. Those in the north must pay their way. Print an annual article entitled 'How the Regions were Robbed by London'. Rest assured, nothing will come of it.
    To add insult to injury, provincial taxpayers must contribute to the upkeep and display of these treasures in the metropolis. The reason given is that, by dint of being in London, they are of 'national' importance and thus a legitimate charge on all taxpayers. If provincials want to see them they must raise the train fare and come to London.
    Stress 'free' entry in London museums. The Tate in London is free of course, but the Tate in St Ives (by the same organisation) charges Ł5-50. The Maritime Museum in London is free, but its outpost in Falmouth charges Ł6-50. The people of Co Durham must pay Ł4=00. They must pay to enter their Bowes Museum, or Beamish, or Lindisfarne, or the Hancock Museum. Well done all concerned. Meanwhile write of the capital's subsidised institutions as 'civilised amenities' in your monthly 'I Love London' piece. Imply strongly that provincial populations are entirely anti-intellectual and that the arts there cannot survive without subsidy. The logic here is problematic but need not be inhibiting.
    Artistic ventures, new architecture and public sculpture in London are a matter of debate between critics only. Uninformed local opinion is NEVER sought, especially if vast sums are involved in areas of multiple social deprivation, of which London has embarrassingly many. The opposite approach must be employed when it comes to provincial arts initiatives. These should always be treated with aimless irony and called 'ambitious' , a word suggesting imprudent over-stretching of resources. They should be given the kiss of death and be called part of the city's 'revival' or 'reinvention'; all northern cities are in need of this heart-sinkingly precarious process. You are wholeheartedly on the side of any local philistines (lots of mind-numbing vox pop out on the streets); harp on the cost to the ratepayers and contrive to mention unemployment. The local uninformed can be patronised and called 'bemused' in your article with its coarsely antagonistic utilitarian headline: 'Darlington needs a brick train like a hole in the head.' All outdoor structures should be photographed with a hunched, indifferent shopper, or a scruffy little boy on a bike or skateboard in the foreground.

W.H. AUDEN
The great poet spent much time in the North Pennines and constantly wrote about the area. The limestone moors between Brough and the Roman wall were his 'symbol of us all', his 'great good place' and his lifelong 'Mutterland'. Ignore. Concentrate on London, New York, Oxford, so forth. There is no 'Auden Country'.

AUTODIDACT
A potent put-down for uppity writers and critics (e.g. Clive James) who, embarrassingly, show a much wider range of reference, than your conventionally-educated literary editor. The word suggests not merely irrelevant fact-grubbing, but an uncomfortable intensity and a distasteful inability to wear learning lightly.

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BACK-TO-BACK
Imply that all northerners lived in these. You don't need to know exactly what they were i.e. two houses actually joined at the back to save space, the very words suggest confined squalor. As few of these remain, however, you should speak of ordinary terraces as being back-to-backs, despite their having gardens or back lanes. Call the latter 'odorous'

BARNSLEY, BORN IN AND PROUD OF IT
Encourage this sort of defensive declaration. No one is born in Guildford and proud of it.

BEACH
Only Brighton's pebbles (and piers) may be shown, even in The Snowman where the boy and snowman are supposed to be flying towards the North Pole. Brighton has no sand, but you should try to mention 'sandcastles'. Sea-bathing began in the North East before it became fashionable at Brighton. Never allude to this. Genteel dramas may occasionally be set on East Anglian coasts with breakwaters, but the only beach outside the South which may be mentioned is Blackpool (q.v.) in a jocularly pejorative manner. Seaside resorts north of Scarborough disappeared from the Guardian weather list in 2000. Follow suit.

Contrive to suggest that North East beaches have, rather than sand, the same mud as the Thames estuary. Show pictures of pilgrims crossing the 'mud' to Holy Island. Indulgently praise 'plodging' as an expressive Geordie word for splashing in water and mud.

BIRMINGHAM
Only ninety miles from London but treat as the North. Birmingham public library is the largest in Europe, so is the Birmingham Post Office; the jewellery quarter is unique in Europe, with 1200 businesses within a square mile. No documentaries. They are not British Institutions (q.v.). Quote smiling London fashion designers at the NEC: 'Foreign buyers would think Birmingham was like Timbuktu!' Smile, but never contradict statements like these. That no one thinks twice about visiting provincial cities in mainland Europe need not be mentioned either. And it's always the NEC, not the National Exhibition Centre (the Wembley Conference Centre is never called the WC).
Star attractions in the city, like Symphony Hall, and the Royal Ballet should always be spoken of distantly and grudgingly, never knowledgably celebrated. Meanwhile the fourfold increase in Birmingham Royal Ballet audiences after its move from Sadlers Wells (constantly regretted by you) must never be reported. If the Birmingham Royal Ballet put on a favourite like The Sleeping Beauty, contrast unfavourably with some spiky, 'disturbing' cutting edge production in London, under the sneering headline: 'Backward Steps'. If any of these institutions runs into financial difficulties, write a prominent head-wagging article, employing words like 'ambitious' and 'grandiose' a lot. Never 'exciting' or 'grand'.

BLACKPOOL
Hard to ignore as it gets more British holiday-makers than Greece. It must be undermined constantly under a jocular cover. Harp on 'honest vulgarity', Blackpool landladies, ugliness and sewage. Quote poncy politicians saying: 'They love us to come, but we hate coming.' The opposite about Bournemouth of course, Channel gales notwithstanding.
Nearby Morecambe is to be denigrated as depressing and depressed. The only worthwhile building, the art deco Midland Hotel (though used as a background in the Poirot series) need receive no publicity until it is falling down and likely to be demolished. The opposite with the De La Warr Pavilion at Bexhill of course.

BLEAK
This is a key word to be applied indiscriminately to all northern industrial areas (never awe-inspiring), housing estates (never friendly), old artisan cottages (never snug) and all open spaces, urban or rural. ALWAYS photograph in stark black and white (designer squalor), and preferably between November and February.
If you are a London actress playing in a Yorkshire drama series, describe the moors as 'beautiful, but bleak' - never the other way round.

BLITZ
The only newsreel footage is of London. Show it repeatedly. Slow pan to the top of St Paul's. Collapsing warehouse in Stepney. Publish no still photos of any city apart from London. Only interview London evacuees. Any book on the home front in either world war must have at least 95% of its illustrations set in London and the South East. The air war over Britain must be seen as a purely South East/London affair. Coventry may be mentioned in passing, but never Liverpool, Hull, Belfast, Sunderland and so on. Run not more than one whining letter of complaint from each of these cities after your blanket metrocentric anniversary coverage. Then do the same again next time round.

BRIDGES
Though the fact was never mentioned during the 1994 centenary of Tower Bridge, it was built by a Glasgow firm, and powered by Newcastle hydraulic gear. It should frequently be shown with the Tower itself, suggesting to the innocent a shared antiquity. City news and associated interviews should always be shot against a background of Tower Bridge, not the rebarbative buildings where the actual business goes on. Similarly, never stress the relative modernity of the Houses of Parliament (1834): show it incessantly. Most of London's built heritage burned down in 1666, so do your best here. Fill your arts pages with futuristic designs for Thames bridges by leading architects.
Many of London's bridges can be brought into your work in passing, except for the Millennium bridge, whose failure, after premature hype of the 'blade of light' variety, proved so embarrassing. Brunel's Clifton suspension bridge and (in windy weather) the Severn Bridge, may be shown. The Humber bridge may not, whatever the weather. The Transporter bridge at Middlesbrough is, says Pevsner, 'in its daring and finesse, a thrill to see from anywhere.' Never show it from anywhere, even when you're in town for the football match. Though Newcastle has a thousand-year history and a denser concentration of Grade I listed buildings than any provincial city outside Bath, show only the Tyne Bridge (1928) endlessly instead. The splendid new Gateshead Millennium bridge should get two minutes of TV news time and one short documentary. It should never become part of everyday media discourse like the London bridges.

BRITISH HISTORY
The region between the Trent and the Tweed is the Cinderella area British pre-history. The northern roots of King Arthur should be steadfastly ignored - especially the Northumbrian brother-knights Balin and Balan. No mention of Roman villas on the Tees. In your 112-page picture book, allot only four to history north of the Trent. No films on history before Henry VIII and the southern-based Tudors, except for Shakespeare and legend. Your 'History of Britain' series on TV may dwell on Scottish, Irish or even Welsh themes, but no northern topics whatsoever. This is vitally important. There can be no exceptions.
Disaffected writers like Basil Bunting may grouse:' All school histories are written by or for southrons.' Ignore.

BRITISH INSTITUTIONS
Endless documentaries on these. Practically all of them are located in London and the Home Counties: Wimbledon, Henley Regatta, Chelsea Flower Show, Royal Ascot. This latter must never be described as: 'The York of the South'. Nothing is the anything of the South. The Grand National is a northern national institution, but you should constantly undermine it with articles implying that it is too dangerous, or 'under threat'. Failing that, say that Aintree 'comes alive once a year' and hype the Cheltenham Gold Cup endlessly as the 'supreme achievement'. No races in the South are under threat

BUS
Always show a red London bus whatever the context. Refer to 'waiting for a No. 11 bus' ever and anon. Animal sizes should be compared to a London bus. Cartoons and advertisements must always feature people waiting at a London bus-stop.

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CALENDARS
Picture calendars should concentrate on views drawn from southern England. A ratio of about four or five to one is desirable. The pictures should include touristy ones of London, boats in southern harbours, thatched cottages. Scenes of wild country should be mostly of Scotland - certainly never the North Pennines or the Cheviots. No provincial cities, ever.

CANARY WHARF
Conveniently situated for your cameras. Feature it ad nauseam. Docklands absorbed nearly 60% of all grants to urban development corporations after 1981. Comparable figures for Merseyside, Teesside and Tyne and Wear were 12.6, 5.6 and 5.5 %. Ignore. Have your architectural correspondent rhapsodise about the Docklands Light Railway and its stations.

CASTLES
The illustrations in your picture-book Bastions of Britain should observe the usual four or five to one ratio of southern castles, with some in Wales. Anything truly spectacular north of here, like Conisbrough, Raby, Dunluce or the Berwick fortifications may be omitted altogether.

CENTRALISATION
Most arts programmes begin by promising to cover what is happening 'the length and breadth of the country' but before long, shortage of funds means that they puff metropolitan work most of the time. Anything outside the capital is distanced by being covered by a local critic. Hammer away at a 'London' supplement to your Sunday paper. Your book on England since the war, England in the '80s, so forth is of course, about London only, though the phrase 'other major cities' may be used.
When Radio Five was launched, Jenny Abramsky stated that it was not going to sound as if it were coming from London, but rather from a balloon above the centre of Britain. The reason was summed up by Ronald Neil, then managing director of regional broadcasting at the BBC, as quoted in the Guardian (26.9.96):

'Our viewers and listeners are sending us the same signal loud and clear. They have identified a sense of limited geography at the BBC, a metropolitan centricity from a London-dominated institution which extols South-East values. Sixty per cent in the North believe the BBC looks to London too much. The figure in Scotland is rather higher... The licence fee comes from every home and every street in the land. The BBC has to correct the historic imbalance of the overwhelming majority of that being spent in London.'

Ignore. Start a new radio programme 'Live in London' every week. Your programmes should in any case be stuffed with London-based commentators and the London Agenda will take up a vast amount of air time - the Dome, the Mayor, the Eye, the Tube, the Met, the Tate, the plinth... Your flagship talk programmes should always have the Thames as Background, including a view of St Paul's. The message must be drummed home that only events in London are worthy of comment, and that little if anything takes place in the regions.
Lord Northcliffe's ambition for his newspapers was to build up a national readership centred on London and 'looking to London for its news and opinions'. His success means your success. Thirty years ago, as Nick Cohen records in Cruel Britannia, one third of journalists were based outside London - either in the regions or on foreign postings. Their job was to report the world beyond head office. Now no national newspaper has a staff reporter in Wales... and 90% of reporters work in London. News comes via agencies or on the telephone or from the PR industry. Well done. The consequence is that you can fill your paper with metropolitan crazes and self-reference, as if the readership were divided between those who think north London is the centre of the world and those who think north London is the world (v. WE).
Unlike America where e.g. the Mayo Clinic is in Minnesota, Boeing in Seattle and so on, head offices and government-funded research institutions are all concentrated round London, thus contributing to its prestige. This concentration adds to the congestion you constantly deplore. Keep demanding 'government investment' (i.e. taxpayer's money) to shore up London's creaking infrastructure. Try pushing for people in London to be paid 50% more than elsewhere.
In December 2004 Mark Thompson, the BBC Director General, announced that 1800 BBC staff will be moved to Manchester 'to reconnect and embed the BBC in communities all over the UK.' In March 2005, announcing large job cuts, Thompson announced that the highest proportion of redundancies in any department will come from the regions. Admirable. A Golden Goad contender.

CHEVIOTS
Ignore at all costs (v. Dartmoor). No nature programme or 'aerial Britain' production should go anywhere near the whole North Pennine/Cheviot area. No mention in weather forecasts either.

CHIMNEYS
Indicative of obsolete 'smoke-stack' industries (use the phrase constantly), and so confined to the Midlands and North. Always play mournful brass band music when showing these. Also lots of cooling towers emitting (harmless) water vapour when talking of pollution. Any chimneys in London should be treated positively and linked with impressionist paintings of the Thames. Demolition is to be discouraged: 'Battersea power station to be Fun Palace?' can be your headline for decades.

CHRISTIANITY, CRADLE OF
Augustine did land in Kent in AD 597, but the conversion of the country took place from the North, much of it by Lindisfarne monks. Ignore. Always claim this honour for Canterbury.

CHURCHES
In your guide to parish churches, use the Severn-Wash line and the usual four or five to one ratio when choosing your pictures. Spectacular buildings north of here, like Beverley Minster, Patrington or St Andrew, Roker are always omitted.
Durham Cathedral, with the adjoining castle, is a world heritage site and was voted the greatest building in the world by the cognoscenti in the Illustrated London News (well ahead of the Taj Mahal). Have none of this. Your diminishing phrase is: 'Many people consider it to be one of the finest Anglo-Norman buildings in the country.' The only dud feature at Durham is the Victorian chancel-screen. In your song recital programme, have the cameras focused unwaveringly upon it. Your 'Great Railway Journey' programme goes right past the cathedral. Don't show it.

CITIES, INNER
Be vociferous in your support of inner-city initiatives. Use uncomfortable military language: Task-force... a community which is fighting back.' This has the correct desperate ring to it. Be sure to stress the past. Show a picture of slag-heaps in Stoke, and caption it: 'The slag-heaps are gone but...' This was a contender for the Golden Goad in 1995. Your reporter should always make a point of visiting in November or February, plenty of grey skies, icy winds and drizzle.
    Speak of cities 'trying to get rid of their cloth-cap and whippet' image, or 'attempting to put themselves on the map' (failure implied), or 'belying their grimy industrial image', an image which you carefully foster by showing nothing else. No gracious living in Sefton Park, Didsbury, Teesdale or Jesmond, ever.
    In London of course, do the opposite. Always Whitehall, never Willesden Junction. Thus cities in the Midlands and the North are firmly identified by their worst features: London on the other hand, with its relentlessly televised great state, social and royal occasions, park concerts, exhibitions and the like, by its best.
    Even if your piece is sympathetic in tone, repeat the stereotyping phrases at the beginning of every article. EVERY ARTICLE. 'There are so many dark days in Bradford that it comes as a surprise... '; 'Forget the music-hall jokes about Wigan, Scunthorpe...' Well-meaning locals will defensively insist 'Andy Capp is dead' thus ensuring the longevity of the stereotype. You should quote vague, dismally impressionistic travel writers of half a century ago, like J.B. Priestley. The East End of London should be treated without reference to stereotypes. Articles should never begin: 'Forget the pearly kings and queens, jellied eels, rhyming slang...'

Tower blocks, always 'bleak', are to be attacked. Low density housing estates on the other hand, are 'sprawling', always run-down, and also, of course, 'bleak'. They, like their towns, are populated solely by grim-faced people with 'problems'. No fun, certainly. Lots of unpleasant night-time documentaries shot through police-car windows. Use stark black-and-white photographs (designer squalor) in your article series 'The Other England' Sporting events and foreign firms and football stars have to 'lured' to such places. Urban series set in the North should normally be shot in winter and show little beyond derelict warehouses and dark interiors. No balancing programmes on the pleasures of living need be contemplated though the North East comes second only to the South West in quality of life surveys. In short, no charm, no celebration and above all NO CULTURE (q.v.)
Despite grudging admiration for e.g. the Gateshead MetroCentre, give few details and say that it is set among 'the industrial dereliction of...' or that it was 'built on a rubbish tip'. Criticism should centre on the decline of town-centre shopping because of out-of-town malls, and must be expressed in downright language; the positive side is always tentative: 'It is said that 14,000 attended last month'; 'It is claimed that the Teesside Leisure Complex will be the largest in the country ...'. In London, the exact opposite, even when completely inaccurate e.g. 'The Lakeside Shopping Centre is the largest in Europe.' In your 'North-South Divide' features, contrast Oxford Street with a back street in Darlington (dark photograph). Though rich northern areas dominate the 'most prosperous' lists, the deprived family in your 'swap' series is always from the North, the affluent one from the South. This is extremely important in promoting dispersal panic.

CLUBS, NORTHERN
Denigrate them by stressing their 'hard' character, the sceptical, unforgiving nature of the uncouth audience, so forth. Concentrate on beery unpleasantness - certainly no positive feature or word of praise. Stars who have made it will help you by recalling how their act was interrupted by the arrival of the pies and peas. Always say 'in the obscurity of the northern clubs', implying that this is somehow merited and not just the result of your lack of enterprise in not seeking talent there. No TV broadcasts from such places.

COAST
Programmes portraying Britain's splendid coastline should concentrate on Cornwall, the White Cliffs, East Anglian beaches and Northern Scotland (in rough weather). The east and west coasts north of the Severn-Wash line should normally be completely ignored. Holiday resorts there may occasionally be filmed but only out of season. Children in anoraks jumping about keeping warm. If it chances to be hot, say: 'The locals tell me that this weather never lasts.' (v. WEATHER).
Great sandy beaches stretch north of East Anglia for 200 miles up the east coast to Scotland, apart, that is, from a dozen miles in the Durham coalfield where your reporter with the concerned voice should constantly stand. He will explain the practice of poor people picking over the colliery waste for usable fuel. Your dark black-and-white photograph (designer squalor) should show this activity going on. Your 'back to my roots' book will brood glumly over all this, preferably in November or February. Continue publishing these pictures even when the coastal sands have been completely reclaimed at e.g. Seaham.

COBBLES
Cobblestones are to be regarded as a symbol of backwardness and can be used, along with flat caps, grime (q.v.) and so on to disparage northern towns like Blackburn or Burnley. If all the streets there were of asphalt, it would not raise them in your estimation of course. That cobblestones abroad are thought to be intensely romantic in places like Siena, Tallin and Montmartre should not hinder your jocular generalisations. Home counties market towns are re-cobbling their squares to give the place a bit of atmosphere - and the new cutting-edge Heathrow British Airways headquarters is cobbled too. Ignore.

COMEDIANS
'Albert Perkins was almost unknown to southern audiences, yet in the North of England he was a star.' This is always good for a radio programme by your northern editor. Naturally, such phraseology can never be used the other way around. There are 'Northern Comedians' but no 'Southern', 'East Anglian' or 'West Country' ones. They are just comedians. Similarly with 'Northern women'. There are no 'Southern women'.
Northern comedians may be encouraged to run down their home towns in general terms, something London comedians never do. Kenny Everitt and Alexei Sayle disparaged Liverpool, while Victoria Wood described Morecambe pier as 'a council estate on a stick'. These towns are always pictured as entirely populated by proletarians (v. MIDDLE CLASS).
Geordie comedians tend to have more civic pride, but keep provoking them by invoking supposed urban violence. That London is top of most violent crime lists need not concern you.

COMMUTERS
These exist round London and nowhere else. If there is rail disruption all over the country, use the approved formula: 'London and other major cities'. Then talk only about London. Pictures of silent London termini. Interview disgruntled commuters only at Waterloo (v. RAILWAY STATIONS). The whole country is bursting to hear this (v. PROBLEMS). Travellers around Manchester, Sheffield or Glasgow should never be heard from and their problems, or lack of them, assumed to be of purely local interest.
Spending hours travelling to work and sleeping in the train going home should be treated as the norm (v. WE). The same goes for 'the misery line', bus queues, convoys, squeegee men and traffic jams in the capital. These are to be regarded as the norm for all British cities and referred to constantly in jokes. the seedy underground in the capital is also the norm - not, say, the Tyne-Wear Metro, or the underground systems in Liverpool or Glasgow, which are never to be televised in any case.

COSMOPOLITAN
The media London you represent, which is best regarded as an arena rather than a place of habitation, suffers when it comes to the strong sense of place and local cohesion found in the provinces. Counteract this by stressing the word 'vibrant' along with the life-enhancing nature of the capital's ethnic communities, particularly in Notting Hill. Always make a feature of the carnival there, as well as the activities of the London Chinese. The Leeds carnival (the oldest of all) should be ignored.
Cosmopolitan as applied to people means that they are knowledgeable about everywhere abroad but only London at home. It is a compliment. William Dalrymple writes in the Guardian [12.7.03] that when preparing his book on English churches, 'Simon Jenkins was astonished to discover how ignorant even his most cultured friends tended to be about the fabulous mediaeval craftsmanship that lies scattered around rural England. The same people who had tracked down every last Piero della Francesca in Tuscany and who knew their way blindfolded through the cathedrals of the Ile de France could express total ignorance about the wonders of Nottingham alabaster, Yorkshire stained glass, the hammerbeam roofs of Suffolk wool churches or the Lincolnshire misericords that lay so much nearer to hand.' Let it remain so.

COUNTRY, THE
Emphasise the intimidating silence as compared to the cheery buzzing metropolis. Interview scatty girls in Soho: 'Oh yeah, I was in the country once. Couldn't stand it, too quiet!' Keep calling it 'the countryside', suggesting yet another dimension of unreality. By contrast, London can never be criticised in general terms for lacking sea or mountain.
As in the traditional detective story, 'the country' (never a provincial city) is the only alternative to London as a place to live. When prominent folk leave London they always buy a farm miles from anywhere, and after a year of comic catastrophe, reflected in your delighted columns, decide that London is, after all, the place for them. For people of note to leave London for other cities would suggest that the latter possess many of London's urban amenities without the hassle - and without the drawbacks of rural solitude. It might lead to the intellectual emigrant adding his weight to provincial causes and, heaven forbid, acquiring FAMILIARITY (q.v.).

COUNTRYSIDE, THE
To promote dispersal fears, always film the North in late autumn or winter, all trees bare, particularly in comedy or drama series. Stand in an exposed spot if speaking to camera: refer to quiet, unspoiled areas of fell country as 'bleak' or even 'desolate', and, preferably, 'windswept'. Smile tautly and then say: 'There's certainly plenty of fresh air up here.' Repeat this at intervals, smiling.

CRIME
Your TV series on crime in Britain since the war, like your analysis of 'the 80s' and similar should confine itself to London. Such grim productions are always balanced by others reflecting the capital's high culture and social glitter. This is not the case with dismal documentaries on provincial towns. Yobs and unemployment in Darlington, yes. Lewis Carroll, the Darlington Dog Championship (second only to Cruft's), the Bowes Museum and gracious living in the Cleveland Hills, no.

CRISIS, DROUGHT
'England's drought crisis grows worse' means: 'South-East England's drought crisis grows worse'.

CRITICS
There is no need for your critics ever to leave London, except en masse to Edinburgh at Festival time, when that city can be gushed over and appraised like a foreign capital. The regional scene can be covered by local critics and thus marginalised. No London critic has ever been to see the Hull Truck Company perform in its home theatre. 'Critics Forum' on Radio 3 only reviewed plays and exhibitions once they had reached London (if they did). Provincial performers must do the same in order to 'catch the eye' of London producers who likewise rarely stir from home. All of this undermines the provincial arts scene and reinforces dispersal panic.

CULTURE
In its usual sense i.e. a deep interest in the arts and the world of ideas in general, this has little enough appeal for anyone, wherever they live. Two thirds of Britons never go to the theatre, sports events or concerts, according to an EU survey in 2002 (the same applies to the rest of Europe). You, however, should make it your business to blur culture's real meaning and associate it with other things in the public mind - social ease of manner, for instance, and a formally polite way of speaking, along with an affluent style of life. Plenty of evening dress and documentaries on Glyndebourne.
The average well-heeled Home Counties resident would no more think of attending the ballet than of going to watch Brentford. Even if he does, he is as likely to talk through the overture and eat chocolates as the next man. The strong impression must be conveyed, however, that he and his like are the guardians of and the audience for, high culture, whose vast treasures must therefore be concentrated in the South East- and, of course, heavily supported from the public purse (v. ARTS).
It is this sort of restaurant and fancy-dress 'culture' which is meant when businessmen refer to the North as a 'cultural desert'. When this happens, tolerantly print not more than two letters of complaint. A humorous apology may be offered, but, after a decent interval, do it again. Try to spell it 'Teeside' to infuriate the natives; also 'Middlesborough'. Defensive harping along the lines of 'culture doesn't stop at Watford' merely reinforces the capital's conviction that it does (indeed well short of Watford). Northerners who confuse Watford with Watford Gap (near Birmingham) need not be reminded that they are sixty miles apart. In government, the minister of culture, if there is one, is always a Londoner (v. SPORT). up to index

DANCE HALLS
In programmes of reminiscence show endless footage of revolving couples at the Hammersmith Palais and London night clubs. There were no dance halls or band leaders outside London.

DARTMOOR
The only wilderness left in Britain. Do lots of documentaries here: ponies, brooding shots of strange rock formations. Harp on about the army's use of the moor 'in a national park'. Ignore the army's occupation of 20% of the Cheviots. Suggest that the army moves north altogether 'where land is cheaper'.

DECENTRALISATION
Praise this in principle and ridicule it in practice. Sneer at the relocation of government departments: 'Llantrisant - the hole with the Mint in it' - you know the sort of thing. Insecure or disaffected locals can be relied upon to join the chorus of self-hating denigration. Give constant coverage to civil servants' worries about leaving the Home Counties (evocative name), children's schooling and so on. Refer to the DVLC in Swansea as 'remote'. Longbenton should never be mentioned except when the staff are on strike You held on to your 'North of England' correspondent, indeed quite a few, but no London, Southern, South Eastern or even South Western or Welsh correspondent of any sort. The North is another country.
Devolution would render your work enormously difficult by generating news stories away from London. Declare: 'No one has taken to the streets in favour of devolved responsibility.' If they did, of course, you wouldn't cover it. Ridicule the assemblies in Scotland and Wales endlessly over money matters. Mention no achievements. Get tremendously excited by the London mayoral election and a London assembly, however. This is what matters.
With a weather eye on post modern regionalism, however, you may come out occasionally with some stirring TV or radio mission statement with a decentralist message. Next day, rejig all your talk and travel-show studios to have your presenters in front of a view of St Paul's cathedral.

DEMONSTRATIONS
Provincials foolish enough to demonstrate in Derby or Darlington are of course ignored. At a pinch, show some distant shots of illegible banners and hunched, dispirited figures outside bleak red-brick buildings, while a chap in a mackintosh and a strained expression tells you that talks are going on inside. No interviews.
Disgruntled marchers to London should be made to realise that, though heading in the right direction, they cut no ice. Try to find someone earnestly inarticulate to interview. Failing that, question a child about nuclear weapons or chat to the bloke in the gorilla suit playing the banjo. Provincials must learn, as CND did years ago, that the only place to demonstrate in this country is in London, ending in Trafalgar Square.

DERBY DAY
A British Institution (q.v.). Maunder on about crowds on Epsom Downs, picnic hampers, the fairground, so forth. Coarse letters referring to 'dreadful facilities' and exorbitant prices can be ignored (v. LORD'S, WEMBLEY). Print one short grouse well down the page.

DIET
The 'northern diet' is greasy and unhealthy, with booze, crisps and hamburgers the staple fare. This picture of a feckless, overweight, heavy-drinking population should be plugged constantly to alienate sympathy from the North in general. In actual fact, people in London and East Anglia are heavier drinkers than those in the North East. The North West eats fewer crisps and savoury snacks than any other region. The heaviest women do indeed live in the North East, but the heaviest men are in the South West. In fact, large differences in life expectancy exist between adjoining towns and within single cities. This is no good at all. Ignore these tiresome facts and keep quoting Edwina Currie (a Liverpudlian) on the evils of 'northern' eating habits. (V. FOOTBALL).

DOGS
Though Liverpool has the largest dog shelter in the country, and Manchester Dogs Home takes in 10,000 a year, twice as many as Battersea, the latter is the only such establishment in the country. Keep referring to it.

DROUGHT
Though ever alert to stress the delights of the endlessly sunny South East contrasted with the chilly and damp North (v. WEATHER), the reverse of the coin, periodic drought in the SE should bring out the ill-informed dark side in your opinion columns. Why isn't there a water grid? Why not use canals, pipelines etc. from 'the north'? The headline should read 'Drought-Stricken Britain'.

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EAST ANGLIA
Have your sensitive voice-over ruminating on e.g. Dunwich church disappearing beneath the encroaching sea: 'Sometimes it is said you can hear church bells...' East Yorkshire, where the coastal erosion process is much more rapid and forty towns have disappeared since Norman times, can be ignored or treated with dull matter-of-factness. Lots of boring and unromantic stuff about concrete defences.
In East Anglia, poets can write about Blythburgh church. Squat boats with red sails should appear in countless documentaries. Art experts may be encouraged to flannel on about the 'extraordinary quality of light... Constable...Turner'. This mysterious atmospheric phenomenon does not extend beyond the Wash for some reason, certainly not as far as Middlesbrough. A paradox.

ESTATE AGENTS
In TV news items about house prices, always show a street full of London house agent boards.

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FACE
Good for generalisations; your feature writer may be given his head here: 'The Geordie face is small, dark and fierce,' so forth. Subsequent pictures of Steve Cram or Bobby Charlton need not inhibit this broad anthropological approach.

FAMILIARITY
This is crucially important in ensuring that while London locations are common currency throughout the land, no provincial city or building can become a familiar sight to the southern viewer or a familiar conversational reference (v. DOGS). Quiz programmes should feature London locations very heavily.
    Aerial views of provincial cities must NEVER be shown. Any broadcast or news item from there must have the cameras tight up against the subject, preferably indoors or against concrete walls. There must be no sense of space or cityscape. The series 'Redbrick' managed to run its length without a single shot (or indeed mention) of neo-classical Newcastle, even though the university is next to a town centre which contains the highest concentration of grade I buildings (sixty) outside Bath. A deserved Golden Goad winner. Since then Grey Street has been officially declared Britain's finest. This won't do. One photograph, then no further mention.
    Any reporter loose in a northern city should adopt a wondering tone of voice, as of one venturing into unknown territory, 'finding out' what goes on. If anything is discovered, the microphones won't be back next week to follow up. The same with your arts coverage: you are vague and tentative, using phrases like 'there would seem to be...' ; 'I am told...' Again no follow up; everything is a one-off, giving no sense of continuous activity. You are a distant onlooker with no shared experience of arts productions as you have with people in London - the audience you are always mentally addressing, and indeed interviewing in the studio. (v. WE).
    Always be vague about northern locations. Apart from simply perpetrating gross errors, especially on maps (v. TOWNS), good phrases to use are: ' Born in the North West of England'; 'She trains up there in the North East'; Brought up in the rural North of England, before moving to Ilford' is a good recent example. So is: 'Question Time this week is from Tyne and Wear, next week Hayes in Kent.' All of this subtly promotes dispersal panic. Southern locations must always be identified by county at least. The 1994 Golden Goad was won by: 'Shot on his doorstep in the North East of England.' Be guided by the award-winning: 'Views from a parish in New Cross and a northern pit village.' In your TV quiz show, try to aim for: 'Kevin is from Yorkshire, and Tracey here from Chelmsford.' Casually done, this is a fine tactic.
    No provincial non-sports personality can be allowed to become a familiar face to the Londoner, except for the occasional turbulent bishop. Only London faces and voices may become familiar and thus the norm, accompanied by the usual incessant drizzle of London references - numbered buses, named restaurants, suburbs, streets, football teams and so on and on.

FILMS
Before World War II, a crime film was set in Newcastle, in which the characters spoke cockney. Those were the days. A film set straightforwardly in a provincial city remains a rarity (two thirds of films made in Britain 1999-2000 were shot in Hertfordshire). Get Carter for example (the novel is actually set in Scunthorpe) should have a London villain, played by Michael Caine, driving through a tunnel on one side of Newcastle and emerging in a derelict factory on the other, thus avoiding the imposing city centre ('Cheltenham writ large') altogether. This enables him to describe the city as a 'shit-hole' and reassure the southern viewer that he's better off where he is. The stereotype, and dispersal panic, is maintained. All Tyneside films are in fact downbeat and 'gritty', never charming, and almost all the action takes place ten yards on either side of the Tyne Bridge. Cars drive endlessly over this and the High Level without ever reaching the city centre. They are set in winter, mostly in the dark or cramped interiors, and the streets and beaches are deserted except for the cast.
The same stereotyped procedure should be applied to TV series. Any set entirely in Birmingham like Gangsters should be camped-up and dropped, never to be repeated, like that thriller about modern Luddites set in Nottingham. On the other hand, series and plays about London's exciting underworld or its police must be repeated ever and anon, and put in for prizes.
Dispersal panic can also be encouraged by running no items about regional film theatres. Your film critic can lament that 'no British town could be persuaded to mount a parallel festival of French films', unaware of the Edinburgh and Glasgow French Film Festival. Not that he would have covered it anyway. The National Museum of Film and Photography in Bradford must not be mentioned under any circumstances. The Imax screen there was studiously ignored for years, while all London newspapers campaigned for an Imax screen in the capital. This has now been achieved. Well done. On BBC TV, George Eliot's Adam Bede was filmed in the Cotswolds ('because it's prettier'), not the original Derbyshire. Episodes from Newcastle's suffragette history were transferred to London. In Len Deighton's novel The Ipcress File the hero is unnamed and comes from Burnley. In the film, he's called Harry Palmer, played by Michael Caine and comes, of course, from London. Keep up the good work.

FLESHPOTS
London is the only city to possess these. Write of them as an ever-present threat to young provincial footballers and trade unionists. Point to the N.U.M.'s removal to Sheffield as a 'move away from London's fleshpots'. Hint at a certain provincial puritanism, and weak-will among its representatives. Aside from pubs, clubs and knocking-shops, which are everywhere in any case, what are fleshpots exactly? Do not speculate.

FOOD
London middle-class behaviour is the norm here. Rarely venture north except to criticise the wine in pubs. In any short list of good restaurants, there should be no more than one in the North. Food shops in the capital, Fortnum and Mason, Harrods, as well as prominent restaurants and hotels must be endlessly plugged on radio and TV. Those in the North can NEVER be mentioned (v. FAMILIARITY). Keep writing irritating articles, based on London experience only, bemoaning 'the demise of the coffee-shop' or similar. One letter of reply on how many there are in Yorkshire should appear well down the page.
'Modernity' in London often means depletion with regard to traditional British culinary delicacies. Nevertheless, the provinces should still be disparaged: 'real custard tarts can be found in places that are a bit behind the times, like Middlesbrough or Leeds.' You have them both ways.

FOOTBALL
The 'national' newspapers published in London are also, of course, the local London papers where sport and virtually everything else is concerned. They are the papers the England manager sees. Your job is to get London players into the England side and keep them there, even after a handful of games for their clubs. If they play poorly for England, say that they are 'on a learning curve' and should not be dropped. Any errors are 'uncharacteristic'. London players who transfer to the provinces, e.g. Rio Ferdinand, suddenly develop frailties. Your commentators were at the Charlton training ground on Wednesday. They know the Chelsea physio, and Arsenal's 'arrangements for the visually handicapped.' Their commentary must always be seen through the London club's eyes. If West Ham are winning, talk of how good their players are: 'Pressing for an England place, Trevor?' If they're getting a thrashing, say: 'What have West Ham got to do to get back into this match, Trevor?' One victory, even over lowly cup opposition should always be described as a 'turning point' in e.g. Tottenham's season.
Provincial players should always be referred to as e.g. 'the ex-Arsenal man' however long ago his Highbury days were. No player in London is ex-anywhere. If Charlton, Brighton or Fulham are in danger of folding, feature it on every news bulletin. If it's Middlesbrough or Cardiff, don't bother.

The Football League, founded in Manchester, should have its centenary organised and played in London. Apart from Arsenal, London clubs have won the championship only three times in a century of endeavour. Never mention this. There are virtually no championship clubs below the Severn-Wash line, except in the capital. This means that London is actually a footballing outpost of the game's heartland, some 100 miles from the nearest major club. Combat this by calling Newcastle 'an outpost' instead. Undermine the provinces by starting a Football Hall of Fame in London, in opposition to the football museum at Preston (no mention of that, ever).
    In the North, your commentator should sound as if he's in Albania. 'I'm told Wugsby's been making good progress, Gary.' So forth. He will speak as if on safari, using the trusty 'in these parts' formulation: 'They take in a good deal of brown liquor in these parts...'; 'They love their number 9s in these parts.' He should be utterly bemused if some spectators leave a minute or two early for the toilets or refreshments at half-time, or at full time to catch the bus. At Newcastle only any fat spectators should be held on camera, until your commentator says: 'Who ate all the pies?'
    London supporters are never fanatical, nor are they 'intimidating' to referees. They are both of these things at northern grounds (and in Katowice). The grounds of minor northern clubs are 'cramped'. Closer to London (e.g. Luton) the word to use is 'compact'. West Ham's ground, however, is 'intimate'. 'You can reach out and tap Bill Brown on the shoulder... great atmosphere, Trevor.' You may imply that the small dimensions of the Southampton's ground have been instrumental in keeping the club in the top division. That West Ham's ground is just as narrow, and only three feet longer at each end should never be mentioned. Provincial players may be patronised as playing for their 'home-town club'. No one in London does that. The World Cup triumph in 1966 should feature London players Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst ad nauseam. Roger Hunt's goal need never be shown.
    It is axiomatic that foreign players prefer to play for London clubs, other things being equal. Clubs like Bolton or Sunderland have to 'lure' foreign stars to play for them. Middlesbrough were talked about for a year after their temerity in signing Ravanelli and co. As the cost of living in London is anything up to 30% higher than in many parts of the north, it makes perfect sense for a mercenary to play outside the capital. Never allude to this under any circumstances.
    Every couple of years, say that a London club (Charlton, Crystal Palace) is 'linking up' with e.g. Juventus. Young Italian stars are expected to play for the Londoners. They never do, but this one will run and run.

Topless Newcastle or Middlesbrough fans at winter away fixtures in Europe must be held in the camera until the commentator says: 'They think it's a balmy summer night'. His northern sidekick will then say: 'It is, compared to Teesside.' (v. WEATHER)

FOREIGN PARTS
You are intensely Francophile and your style and travel pages wander much around rural France (not the coalfields), Italy (especially Tuscany) and peter out among the isles of Greece, where your excitable reporter's typewriter keys fuse into a lump of hot metal.
Unlike the British provinces, you are ungrudgingly ready to celebrate what you see. This is always connected with food, wine, sun and holidays - never work, unless connected with food. No photograph of a French steelworks or a Spanish coal mine has ever been published, Greece has no power stations and Australia no industry at all. The opposite in your coverage of the English northern provinces.
Every foreign location from Boulogne to Naxos must be seen in relation to London and its inhabitants and problems (v. FAMILIARITY), never to any other British locality. This should also be your guide in world-wide documentaries: 'Children at risk in Peru, Italy and London'; 'His impressions of Japan and London.' 'Poignant images from Bishopsgate to Sarajevo.' This approach shows you to be cosmopolitan (q.v.). The Channel Tunnel similarly 'links London to France'. No mention of links outside the capital, though you may allow a radio item once every six months, featuring a politician with a dark-brown voice: 'The North may be getting something of a raw deal here.' Stay cool, nothing will happen.

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GARDENS
All gardening programmes set in the North should refer to the weather at least three times in the first ten minutes. A good phrase is: 'How do you get these to grow so far north?' The North East conurbation is no colder than London in winter and sea temperatures vary little down the east coast. NEVER MENTION THIS.

GEORDIES
Very popular in the South these days because TV series like 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet' ; 'The Likely Lads' and 'Spender', to say nothing of Ant n' Dec, have portrayed them as more humorous, even freakish (Ross Noble) and certainly less abrasive than other northerners - or fast-talking combative Cockneys. Attractive personalities like Steve Cram and Brendan Foster are seen talking sense with agreeable modesty, while even Gazza is something of a national treasure.
Make it your business to counteract this by filling Geordie series with non-Geordie actors. 'The Likely Lads' contained only one Sunderland actor, who left his native city at the age of twelve. Well done. Use lots of Yorkshiremen instead. In a Yorkshire series like 'The Last of the Summer Wine', however, none of the main characters is a Yorkshireman (they're Londoners). Outdoor scenes in Geordie series should invariably be shot in autumn or winter (sometimes even on pebbly southern beaches), and normally in areas of urban decay. All documentaries should certainly be about run-down estates 'fighting back', with one or two on leeks or pigeons. No MIDDLE CLASS (q.v.) or CULTURE (q.v.). Ever.
Energetic efforts must also be made to fit the Geordies into the niche formerly occupied by the Irish i.e beer-swilling, ignorant proles. This should be carried out under a jocular guise: 'Sweating like a Geordie in a spelling test'. That sort of thing.The accent should be be pilloried on TV: 'I drink beer, me, and smurk tabs.' Old-fashioned Geordie all-weather 'hardness' is to be assimilated to a general uncouthness. This can be taken to great lengths. 'They're all thick' (Paul Whitehouse). 'Monkeys and morons' (Rod Liddle).

GREAT ORMOND STREET
The only children's hospital in the entire country, indeed the world. Give it relentless uncritical publicity; show minor royals visiting. Use it in a series of British Institutions (q.v.). Assist in fund-raising with heart-rending articles, gala nights, so forth. Over #40 million was raised in 1988, #9 million before the appeal officially opened. Call it 'an example to us all' and exasperate unpublicised provincial fund-raisers who have no hope of tapping into the capital's ocean of spare cash.

GREAT WESTERN RAILWAY
The old GWR led to the West Country (q.v). Give it and the pocket genius Brunel (a Londoner) full coverage. Other railway lines and bridges in Britain featuring the work of northerners, particularly Robert Stephenson (spell it Stevenson) should be confined to rare specialist documentaries. On antiques programmes, ask wonderingly:' The LNER did run through Darlington, didn't it?'
Though some of Brunel's schemes were disastrous, as demonstrated by the practical if prosaic Stephensons, your programme will contend that Brunel thought big and 'built for the future'. Don't name the Stephensons in any case. The result of all this is that the restoration of the Stephenson railway works in Newcastle (the first in the world) failed to get a lottery grant. Well done (v. LOTTERY).

GRIME
Play on suburban obsessions with cleanliness and small-scale prettiness to describe all northern cities as 'grimy' or 'grey'. The long-term effect of this is to encourage insecure local authorities to pull down their characterful city centres and rebuild as dull brick agglomerations in a toytown or 'poor man's modern' style.

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HERE, UP
Try to induce all northerners to use this deferential and marginalising phrase. It emphasises London's role as universal reference point. Opposition, particularly from Scots, must be brusquely overridden: 'Mick up there in Glasgow... how are things up there, Mick?' Also 'down there in Cardiff'. Richie Benaud will assist by saying 'up at Headingly', never 'down at Lord's' even when speaking from Headingly.

HESS, MYRA
She played concerts in the National Gallery during World War II and was filmed doing so. Never let people forget this. For you, no other artist performed anything anywhere else at any time during the war. Fortunately, wartime filming was virtually confined to the capital.

HOSPITALS
London has 'great teaching hospitals' - repeat their comfy names ever and anon: Bart's, Guy's, St Thomas. Harefield and Papworth, the first two national transplant hospitals can also be mentioned, as they are near London, but not the third, the Freeman in Newcastle. In general, provincial hospitals should never be named except when there's an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease, murderous nurses prowling the wards or body parts are going astray. By contrast, London hospitals, almost all now Royal and, of course, all 'world-famous', must always be precisely identified. The Christie in Manchester is the largest cancer treatment centre in Europe. One mention a year, in passing.

London has far more community services than anywhere else, including twice as many day care places and meals on wheels. In 1982 the excess of hospital beds in London over the rest of the country was 40%. Up to 1989, therefore, funds began to be channelled away from over-provided London to the North (say 'to other hard-stretched areas'). Give great prominence to London hospital doctors grousing about this and threatening to suspend heart operations, so forth. This puts pressure on the government and prompts foreign philanthropists to give generously. On radio and television, use the accepted phraseology when asking what the cuts mean - 'here in London, for instance.'
In general the Observer headline: 'Cash-hit Bart's Shuts Doors to Cancer Babies' is just the thing you should aim for. Recent reports that the quality of research in some 'great London hospitals' is nothing to write home about should be ignored. Press relentlessly for the capital to be treated as a special case. Your TV forum on hospital closures featured London hospital personnel only, to the embarrassment of Mr Dimbleby, and ALL columnists must support the retention of Bart's. The year 1997 saw a moratorium on hospital closures in London, with the capital still having an excess of 7% in beds and still taking 19% of health resources, though dealing with only 16% of patients and serving only 14% of the population. Very well done, in difficult circumstances. The fact that health care costs in London are some 20% higher than in the rest of the country should never be mentioned under any circumstances.

In the NHS performance tables, published 26.9.01 virtually all the hospitals graded with one star or none were in the south of the country. All North East hospitals gained two or three stars (the top grade). In 2002 the five worst NHS trusts waits were worst in southern home counties, as were the worst five for six month in-patient waits. Delayed discharges were worst in southern England, and access to a GP was worst in London and the South East. Ignore. Treat as countrywide problems.

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IRON WORKS, CONSETT
In 1995 Kenneth Clarke, Conservative Chancellor praised Consett iron works for its progress. This was 15 years after the works had closed down. Golden Goad winner.

KEEPING FOR LONDON, IT
Always write that rock performers are 'keeping it for London' (i.e. the best of their work). This is the performance your critic attends. Plays are 'tried out' in the provinces (at non-rehearsal prices). Solomon ( a Londoner) never played the Hammerklavier outside London. The Rolling Stones (Londoners) kept their spectacular lighting effects for their shows in the capital.
Nothing 'makes it' until it reaches or takes place in London. Be it the Bolshoi Ballet or Michael Jackson, it's the London show that gets televised. There is no need to mention provincial venues at all, in fact, though they contribute heavily to the finances of the venture. On radio keep up an irritating repetition; 'She was great at the Albert Hall on Tuesday, just great... honestly.'

KENT
A poll for Style Gardens on the UKTV channel in 2006, covering general appeal, placed Kent very poorly. The county is perceived as being overrun by roads and railways, heavily overbuilt and suffering traffic and pollution problems. 'Chavs', dim young fashion-slaves, are supposed to have originated in Chatham, Kent.
Ignore all this. Call Kent 'the garden of England', implying mellow fruitfulness, though the phrase was originally applied to vegetable provisioning of London. Always photograph Kent and the Downs in spring or summer (unlike the North); thus, though largely treeless, they are not bleak (v. CHEVIOTS). The Larkins laze about in summer heat, they are never up to their necks in Kentish snow. Lots of picturesque oast-houses. On radio do endless programmes about East Enders going hopping in Kent.

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LAMBETH WALK, THE
This and other jolly Cockney anthems, like 'Knees Up Mother brown' were in fact written by Yorkshire chaps in Wakefield and Dewsbury. Absolutely no mention.

LEAVING
'Sue Townsend has never thought of leaving Leicester'; 'Steve Cram has resisted all temptations to leave the North East'. Constantly imply that anyone who achieves any kind of eminence must automatically move to London. That established writers, or athletes, have no need and certainly no financial incentive to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world need not inhibit your confident flow.

LIFE, NORTHERN
Young playwrights whose work concerns the underclass on sink estates are 'writing of northern life'. Anyone setting a play in Lambeth or on a Brighton housing estate, however, are not writing of 'southern life' and certainly not 'London life'. Stereotypes work only at a distance.

LIFE, QUALITY OF
Much talked-of these days as various surveys show that the best of it is in Scotland and the South West and North East of England. NEVER discuss this topic in detail. Your (briefly visiting) correspondent should quiz his taxi-driver about it and report his inarticulate answers with a straight face. Ninety per cent of any piece should be about house prices.
In spite of the statistical evidence, the characters in your serials and soap operas, barely able to scratch a living at home, are all itching to go to hugely expensive London.
In your property programme, your two London-based talking heads will give high marks to otherwise unpromising London areas for 'lifestyle' . Show a picture of idlers sitting outside cafés, drinking among the traffic fumes. This will outweigh, in e.g. City of Westminster, poor education performance and high levels of violence against the person.

LIFESTYLE
In your property programme, your two London-based talking heads will give high marks to otherwise unpromising London areas for 'lifestyle' . Show a picture of idlers sitting outside cafes, drinking among the traffic fumes. This will outweigh, in e.g. City of Westminster, poor education performance, high levels of violence against the person and pollution which reaches levels 50% above EU limits.

LIGHTS, BRIGHT
Only London has bright lights. Though these are presumably the garish advertisements avoided by dignified city centres elsewhere, keep repeating the phrase (it implies that provincial cities are dark and dismal). It also serves to disguise the fact that outside the centre, London is of course very much like anywhere else at night. The bright lights are an irresistible lure for young people who run away from home to reach them. Rio Ferdinand, who transferred to Leeds United, writes about 'Why I had to leave the bright lights of London.' This implies that Leeds is the equivalent of a lay monastery.

LITERARY ESTABLISHMENT, LONDON, THE
This comprises the literary people who matter and who appear on television. Sullen provincials may assert that they form an incestuous metropolitan back-scratching clique, who spend their time reviewing one another's work in newspapers and journals staffed by themselves - and award one another prizes. Ignore. 'London literary life' should be mentioned ever and anon as a sort of permanent carnival of wit and creativity. Avoid being pinned down to lame explanations: 'Er, all the latest gossip, the scandal...'
Anyone who stays out of this heady maelstrom should be portrayed as some kind of eccentric, certainly an irredeemable provincial. Philip Larkin is the paradigm here. Malcolm Bradbury lived in Norwich for 35 years and supported wholeheartedly the literary life of East Anglia. When he died, your obituary called it a great loss to London literary life. A near miss for the Golden Goad. All judges for the Booker, Whitbread etc. and the TV talking heads taking part in preliminary discussions are based in the South of England. Strangely, the London literary festival 'The Word' was a disaster in 1999 and 2000, so use disaster-speak here. Say: 'The organisers have learned valuable lessons'.

LIVERPOOL
Treat as Manchester (q.v.). Liverpool has some 2,000 listed buildings and its Georgian squares are used for films set in 'London'. It is, indeed, the second most-filmed city in the country. Be careful to show nothing but the cliche view of the pier-head, and sporting venues. Feel free to apply the broad brush of denigration - 'dirty, dangerous and poor' (Sunday Times 14.1.90) whether you have been there or not. Print one sensible and one over-the-top protest among the also-ran letters.

LONDON
The city has declined since the 1950s, its famous skyline now obliterated by unsightly towers dedicated to Mammon. It is the murder capital of the United Kingdom, and 70 per cent of all armed robberies take place there. In fact about one third of all serious crime in the country takes place in the Metropolitan Police area. Some 83 per cent of all train robberies take place in London. Car theft in the Metropolitan area is the highest in the country.
    The London ambulance service is the slowest of any British city and London roads are the most dangerous in England, leading to widespread complaints of bad-tempered and aggressive driving. The chairman of London Underground has called his own system 'an appalling shambles'. Fares are among the dearest in the world and there are some 600 tube robberies per annum. Crowded trains and long commuter journeys lead to over-tiredness, stress and snappishness among office workers as well as inefficiency. London couples enjoy less leisure time than anyone else in the country (Guardian 24.5.95)
    Raw sewage is pumped into the Thames at a far higher rate than government figures indicate. In August 2004 a heavy downpour killed some 10,000 fish and rowers were warned about the health risk. In 2001 the government allowed London to have 25% more air pollution than the rest of the UK. Brent has the highest background air pollution in England (2002). Newcastle has the lowest.
    The price of London housing is astronomical and the cost of living is up to 30% higher than in other areas of the country. It has the worst water quality in England.. The arts scene is regularly castigated, despite London taking 85 per cent of Arts Council grants. A similar percentage of lottery money has been used to revitalise the capital's arts venues. Visitors to Kew Gardens, the National Film Theatre and the Natural History Museum are subsidised at anything up to Ł20 each.. Most of the clientele of these supposedly national institutions come from within the M25. Call these 'civilised amenities' in your regular 'Why I Love London' piece.
    Much-hyped sporting venues do not live up to the billing. 'There seems no end to the complaints one receives from the fans about Wembley,' said an uneasy Brian Glanville. Lord's too has been criticised (by Frank Keating) as a 'class-ridden them-and-us ghetto', extending a welcome of scowling suspicion to the exorbitantly charged customer. 'The facilities of a third-world airport transit lounge' says another punter
    The notion of London as the 'cultural capital of the world' is plugged endlessly but for the last two years, the London literature festival 'The Word' has been a disaster. At the Forward poetry awards (£10,000 no less) in the basement of the Piccadilly Waterstone's in 2001, Christina Patterson said ruefully that the people interested in the award were probably all assembled in that very room. When Sadlers Wells Ballet moved to Birmingham, its audiences quadrupled. Seven out of ten West End theatre productions close early, and only one in ten make a profit. No London concert hall can compare with those in Birmingham and Glasgow. Ignore them (certainly never televise), but press for another concert hall in London. Endlessly bemoan the loss of 'the old Queen's Hall' .
    The Royal Opera house at Covent Garden gets a subsidy of £21 million and still has just about the highest prices in Europe. It is notorious that concerts of 20th century music in London draw sparse audiences. Quarter-full houses are the norm in city of 7 million. The symphonic war-horse thrives in the 'musical capital of the world' with its multitude of orchestras. In March 2001 the production of a modern opera at Covent Garden was very poorly attended. The Royal Opera House put on Die Meistersinger at the Proms, and played to 'an empty house.' The English National Opera is moving towards a more populist stance - Carmen not Lulu. The average length of a prom concert had decreased from 108 minutes in 1962 to 90 minutes by 1976. Latterly, the Independent confirmed that in 1991, 28 out of 91 proms lasted less than 90 minutes. There are few expensive well-known names most soloists are 'the brilliant young... making his prom debut'. The Guardian had a correspondence in 2001 about inferior foreign orchestras being used.
    It is of vital importance that no one in London should EVER be quoted as feeling the lack of sea, moorland, mountain stream or indeed anything else, and certainly no envy for those in provincial cities who are fortunate in this respect. Establish the city norm as parks and ponds, with occasional long journeys to the seaside, the West Country or Wales. Plug the Serpentine and Hampstead Heath for all you are worth. Contrive to reverse the figures and imply that the North is eighty per cent industry and twenty per cent rural.
    On TV give Henry VIII a cockney accent. Londoners like Brunel, Bazalgette, Pepys and Wren (be bold: 'The Man Who Built Britain'), should be drummed into the populace. No provincials, except for their London work. With so many media outlets covering the limited London scene, there is always a danger of the place being WORN SMOOTH. Fall back on anecdotes about the corner shop in the suburb where you live, and especially on your train journey into work. These can be generalised upon to deliver important truths about 'the English' (v. WE). Use the words 'metropolitan sophistication' and 'the capital' a great deal. P.D. James in the '60s referred to London as a once gracious city now filled with foreigners and freaks. Never mention this. Use the words 'diverse' and 'vibrant' a lot.
    Nevertheless, despite more hype, the London Gay Pride festival failed (as did the Sydney Mardi Gras in 2002). The London Mardi Gras has run up substantial debts. The London Eye loses money.
    In Ken Livingstone's report, based on data from the Department for Work and Pensions, the capital sank to the bottom of the national incomes league in 2000 with a higher proportion of people on sub-standard incomes, taking into account the cost of living, than in any other region. Nearly half of London's children (42%) are living in families below the poverty line (Livingstone 2005) This compares with 36% in Yorkshire, 34% in the North East, North West and Merseyside. London also has the highest percentage of pensioners living in poverty (30%) and the second highest percentage of adults of working age earning less than half the England average. Thirteen of the twenty most deprived neighbourhoods are in London, as are two thirds of the country's most deprived local estates. London has nearly 60% of the national total of people in temporary accommodation.
    In 2005, London schools had the highest failing rate in the country at 2.3%. This compares with 0.6% in the North East. Londoners life expectancy is five years less than average. Quality of Life surveys have regularly shown London at minus 18.9, compared with Scotland's plus 14.5 and the North of England's plus 7.7. In the July 2000 poll in the Guardian/Observer, London came 28th among favourite UK cities.
    Freely admit all this if pressed. Your colour supplement should be full of London problems (v. PROBLEMS) though London is still 'a great city', indeed a 'world city', 'iconic', even if that term is not readily identifiable in, say, Finchley or Lewisham. Stress the wealth of London, though this is based on a the presence of a minority of extremely high earners. The people who matter all live in the London area, and can be mobilised throughout the media to publicise relentlessly the capital's failings - in order to bludgeon the government into voting large sums of taxpayer's money to improve matters. Publish two sentimental letters from the provinces bemoaning the decline of 'our capital city'. Be sure when pressing for preferential treatment for the South East to call it 'government investment'.

LONDON LIBRARY
A swooning annual article about this institution is de rigeur in all national print media. It is one of the capital's 'civilised amenities'. Provincial subscription libraries are never mentioned, especially the Lit and Phil Library in Newcastle which preceded the London Library by 60 years.

LONDON PRIDE
This flower, a type of saxifrage, is named after Mr London, who bred it. Keep this quiet, but play the fluting tones of Noel Coward (a Londoner) ever and anon, linking the flower's splendid name to the capital.

LORD'S
More flannel here than a pyjama warehouse: 'A glorious afternoon here at Lord's... great occasion... packed house... just seen Bobby Simpson.' Overseas players are well-briefed and deferential over this. No one will ever say: 'Actually, I prefer Adelaide or Newlands.' Use of the word 'lovely' is restricted to Lord's; your cameras will drift adoringly about the ground, although the surroundings are mostly monotonous high-rise blocks. Meanwhile at Chester-Le-Street your single lens stares rigidly away from Lumley Castle towards the motorway. Keep calling Lord's 'the home of cricket' (no reason given) and refer cheerily to 'hospitality tents behind the pavilion, picnics and Bollinger'. That the clients miss an hour's cricket after lunch should not concern you. At other grounds there is no room behind the pavilion. Shots of aproned maids serving mint julep or some such. At Leeds, show people in animal costumes carrying beer-laden trays. The Elland Road crowd can be breezily referred to as 'locals' ever ready to cheer on Yorkshire players in an unsophisticatedly uninhibited way. Lord's does not have 'locals' (nor does the Oval).
    Ignore letters in the press about poor facilities, snooty attitudes, and indeed plain incompetence at the headquarters of cricket. Comment on the 'disappointing attendance' on working days elsewhere, and hint at the loss of the test match fixture. Pitches everywhere else have 'uneven bounce', but the Lord's nine-foot slope, and once-infamous 'ridge' are no deterrent to enjoyment. Only Geoffrey Boycott is allowed to talk about them, and the difficulty of sighting the ball when there was no sight-screen. Headingly, on the other hand, is 'a pitch you're never in on.' You kept saying this, even on a day when 500 World cup runs are scored, with centurions on both sides. A Golden Goad contender. When the Lord's test ends in three days, be lavish in praise of the winners. Don't mention the pitch. Remember that Lord's has cool breezes; other grounds, especially in the North, have cold winds.
    The new media centre at Lord's should be fawned over as another London architectural landmark. Ill-natured claims that it is badly-sited, out of scale, and will see only a few important days of cricket a season should be scouted, or better still, not mentioned at all. A century at Lord's puts all other exploits in the shade. Imply that the England selectors sit permanently in the Lord's pavilion. Disgruntled provincials whining that Middlesex play all their home games at Lord's, and are thus more likely to get their men into the England side (they are indeed the selectors' favourite county) should be dismissed as 'perceived bias'. The name of the ground actually derives from Thomas Lord, a Yorkshireman from Thirsk. Never mention this, nor what would have happened if his name had chanced to be Ramsbottom.
    The Oval, incidentally is a poor ground for cricketers to sight the ball. The overseas commentator may be allowed to have his head here; you should say nothing about this - but do gush on about futuristic plans for the ground.

LOTTERY
A heaven-sent opportunity to refurbish the metropolis at the nation's expense. Sadler's Wells, the Globe, the National Theatre (q.v.), RADA, the Albert Hall, the Tate, Covent Garden, Albrecht Durer's St Jerome for the National Gallery and so on and on, should absorb gigantic sums and mop up 85 percent of lottery money, just as the capital receives 85 per cent of Arts Council grants (v. ARTS).
If provincials still yelp feebly from their minuscule platform in the media, you will state loftily that the money is going to 'national institutions', rather than to London. The catchment area for these national institutions is largely within the M25 of course. Call the Albert Hall 'the nation's village hall'. Mention Michael Heseltine's dream of 'an Eastern corridor' as something unquestionably desirable. The Millennium Exhibition was given to London, though the infrastructure had yet to be put in place, something requiring 'public money'. Birmingham, which had the infrastructure already in place, never had a hope.
Speak of the spin-off effect in the provinces of millions of tourists spending in London shops and hotels. No details need be adduced. Drop this business as soon as possible and run lots of pictures showing the 'regeneration' of run-down London.

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MANCHESTER
Ignore its cultural heritage and gain revenge for the nineteenth century dominance of the North. Concentrate on the usual sporting venues, as in Liverpool. Despite claims that it is a 'mini-Manhattan' there should be no coverage of theatre or musical life, or indeed of the city at all. Manchester has the highest concentration of repertory theatres in the country and was City of Drama in 1994. Ignore then and now. Start a column called 'London Fringe'.
Keep harping on grime and dereliction, dismal nineteenth century descriptions by Mrs Gaskell or Engels. Former industrial areas are to be disparaged as if they had somehow deserved it. That Manchester was the world's first industrial city, the nineteenth century equivalent of Tokyo and Hong Kong combined, should never be mentioned and NO DOCUMENTARY PROGRAMMES WHATEVER made about it. Nor the fact that Manchester opened the first public library in Britain (in 1842). Have the gall to sneer from London at violence in Manchester (v. LONDON). Your cameras should dwell lovingly on the Ship Canal and Trafford Park. It is always raining in Manchester, though puzzlingly, not in say Cornwall (or Sydney) which get appreciably more annual precipitation. Comment ruefully on this if the test match is rained off. If it's rained off at Lord's, say instead '... This dreadful English summer.' (v. WEATHER). Novelists there are 'Manchester-based, implying precarious impermanence.

Northern institutions in Manchester or elsewhere must bear a regional stigma e.g. Royal Northern School of Music; Northern Ideal Home Exhibition; Imperial War Museum North. There are no 'Southern' institutions. 'Madchester' enjoyed a considerable vogue during the 1980s. You rightly ignored it (no reportage from the Hacienda) or relentlessly disparaged it. Now the excitement is over, run gloating 'concerned' articles pondering its demise. Manchester's Olympic bid was very faintly supported (and never called 'Britain's bid'); its failure rightly ridiculed (v. OLYMPIC GAMES). Any other major sporting events in the city e.g. the Commonwealth Games, like the World Student Games in Sheffield, should be soured beforehand by being reported as a constant financial battle. The triumphant outcome must of course be devalued: WHAT ARE THESE MEDALS REALLY WORTH? Nevertheless, after an interval, the success must be taken over by London. 'We' have shown that 'we' can stage a major sporting event in this country, so London should bid for the Olympics. That sort of thing.

MAPS
Try to foreshorten these, particularly on television with the south of the country shown closest and disproportionately large. All newspaper maps go haywire north of the Trent (v. TOWNS) whether they are depicting Civil War battlefields, film locations, nuclear power stations or the Tour of Britain. Stockton and Darlington can appear on the wrong ends of the railway. On your holiday map, County Durham is in Scotland. The latest BBC weather map is a triumph. Even in close-up, the North and Scotland are shrunken and wizened. Golden Goad winner 2005.

MARATHON
“London is the sole marathon in the UK'. Very far from the truth, but the desired effect is achieved. Correction later in small box.

MEAN
An excellent word (v BLEAK) especially in detective stories, to imply that anywhere off the beaten track in the north, or even on it, is heart-sinkingly depressing, even creepy. Mean terraces, mean back-to-backs (the same terraces actually, v. BACK TO BACK). Mean seafront amusements in e.g. Withernsea.

MIDDLE CLASSES
No middle-class person may be shown enjoying a fulfilled, professional working life in northern urban circles, particularly artistic circles. A brief appearance at the Leeds Piano Competition every three years ('I think the Russian should get it') is enough. This event must be introduced and commented on by a southern-based talking head.

MIDLANDS, THE
Contrive to suggest that places like Derby, Nottingham, Stoke and even Birmingham are 'in the North', thus establishing that they are a long way from London (v. TOWNS). The North begins where the South East and all it stands for, ends. Bristol and Southampton (and especially London) are never referred to as 'industrial towns'.

MILLENNIUM
A splendid chance to pour public money into the capital (v. LOTTERY) in a series of grandiose vainglorious projects of no relevance to the rest of the country. The Dome at Greenwich was a virtual financial black hole. Encourage your main columnists to say: 'Well I liked it...' Embarrassingly, the London Millennium bridge didn't function. despite heroic, award-winning work by your arts writers: 'A blade of light across the Thames' so forth. Never refer to this again. Thankfully, the Eye has overcome its problems; speak of stupendous views. Moans that Tate Modern is badly hung should be ignored and Britart quietly dropped. Whinging about the Docklands Light Railway taking thirty minutes to go five stops (letter Guardian 14.6.00) should be swiftly curtailed. Get your arts man to rhapsodise on the architecture. the fact that it is of a different gauge from both the Tube and British rail and therefore can never be integrated need not be mentioned.
Meanwhile the failure of some Millennium projects in the provinces should be gleefully reported, with sage head-wagging about visitor numbers. That their fate would be shared by any number of London attractions without large public subsidy should be passed over in silence.

MONOPOLY
In the USA, where the game was invented, the board is based on Atlantic City, not New York or Washington. Here, of course, it is London. Any provincial edition specially produced and based on e.g. Leeds, should be commented on wonderingly and places on it called 'mysterious'.

MUSIC
You undermined the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra, first by diluting its origin with initials CBSO (like the NEC), and then by writing constantly: 'When Simon Rattle decides to leave Birmingham...' implying natural incredulity at the man's persistence in cultivating the provincial garden. Similarly, imply constant surprise that the Leeds Piano Competition is not set in London 'as one might think'. Your commentator (southern-based) may understandably slip : '... Here in London, I'm sorry, I mean...' Attack this competition in your musical column and print one dull letter of objection. On TV cut the spectacular finale section to the bone. Keep at it, this whole event is a disturbing foretaste of what regional devolution may bring. The Cardiff Singer of the World competition should have Cardiff changed to BBC. That's the way to do it.
    Always suggest that the large number of subsidised orchestras in London provide 'varied fare'. In fact, the war-horse thrives. A London concert of twentieth-century music at the South Bank loses £10,000 - £20,000 a time. When the Royal Opera house staged Wagner's Die Meistersinger at the Proms in the Royal Albert Hall, virtually nobody turned up. Be amazed at this. A modern opera at Covent garden was also a complete flop in 2001. The ENO is abandoning operas like Lulu in favour of Carmen. London, however, remains 'the musical capital of the world' however. Never forget this.
    The Halle and the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic are always in financial trouble and 'face a doubtful future'. London orchestras should do 'flagship tours' of the world - but not their own country. Agitation to move an orchestra out of London to, say, Nottingham, may be extensively reported. Nothing ever comes of this one. Still, to be on the safe side, waffle on at length about possible 'dilution of standards' and the trusty 'draughty halls'. The best concert hall in the UK is probably the Bridgewater Hall in Manchester; the Royal Festival Hall in London is a second-rate venue, the despair of international musicians. No recordings are made there. Do not query the vast quantities of public money spent on it. Also keep up a constant whine about 'the old Queen's Hall' destroyed during the war. It will assuredly be rebuilt.
    Urge London orchestras to 'take the music to the people - in Notting Hill, Islington...' Meanwhile, patronise provincial audiences and music-makers whenever possible: ' I remember the first symphony concert ever given in Stornoway in 1967. The audience listened to both Schumann and Stravinsky with equal attention.' 'I always thought (John Ogdon) would have been just as happy playing a recital in Burnley as in the Festival Hall - it was the music that mattered to him.' So forth.
    The Northern Sinfonia (spell it 'Symphonia') in Newcastle, the first, and still the only permanent full-time chamber orchestra in the country, should have its thirtieth birthday ignored. The London Sinfonietta's thirtieth should be gushed over in all the media.
    The average length of a prom concert had decreased from 108 minutes in 1962 to 90 minutes by 1976. Latterly, the Independent confirmed that in 1991, 28 out of 91 proms lasted less than 90 minutes. Prices have not fallen, naturally. There have been complaints about inferior foreign orchestras and debutant soloists, hired for reasons of cheapness. The basic classical repertoire has been disrupted by all kinds of gimmicks, first performances, works staged at odd times of night or away from the Albert Hall. Never outside London of course. As with Wembley Stadium and Lord's (qq.v) you find the Proms irreproachable: 'Unique festival of music... British institution.' And much, much more.

MUSIC HALLS
Employ Roy Hudd to present interminable episodes from the history of the London music hall (never e.g Scots or Tyneside). The TV series 'Turns' was illustrated by film shot at London venues only. Be sure to call Wilton's in 'London's East End' the world's oldest surviving music hall. Complaints pointing out that the Leeds City Varieties is by far the oldest should be printed in small type among the also-ran letters in your paper. Here, as everywhere, assume London priority (v. MARATHON). Corrections, if any, later. up to index

NATIONAL PARKS
National parks in England, all of which except Dartmoor/Exmoor are north of the Trent, must never be termed 'unspoiled' , 'serene' and certainly not 'magnificent'. They are all bleak, windswept, and, as the prompted interviewee will always say 'pretty grim in winter' (unlike Switzerland). The Northumberland park, a real trackless wilderness, should be ignored because you can't get a TV crew there. Spend all your time in the New Forest and Dartmoor (q.v.). Military encroachment may be reported, but in a lost cause sort of way (unlike Dartmoor or Salisbury Plain).
National parks cover 23% of the North region, but the proximity of northern cities, e.g. Middlesbrough to several national parks should never be mentioned.
Your persistent efforts have resulted in the creation of no fewer than three new national parks in the south of England. Well done.

NATIONAL EXHIBITION CENTRE
Though vociferously in favour of 'a fair deal for the regions' fight tooth and nail to retain every single institution London possesses (v. CENTRALISATION). Write with great earnestness about 'centres of excellence' , 'dilution of standards', so forth. You know the drill. When the government set up the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham, you reported Sir Keith Joseph's opposition to the project at length. Now that it's there, ignore it as much as possible; never refer to it casually in conversation, as you do Olympia or Earl's Court (v. FAMILIARITY). Film next to nothing from it, and always call it the NEC to dilute the word 'National'. You never 'caught Simply Red there' , though you did at Wembley of course.
Undermine the NEC and the National Museum of Film and Photography in Bradford by heavily publicising rival attractions in London e.g. the London Motor Show and the (sadly defunct) Museum of the Moving Image. Your constant whining about the need for an IMAX screen in London, to eliminate the need to visit Bradford, has now been rewarded (1999). Well done.

NATIONAL RAILWAY MUSEUM
The campaign to keep this in London involved championing a site in Clapham which had no internal power, was not rail-connected, was full-up and was considered unsuitable even by Clapham council. Nonetheless, a splendid series of letters to the press claimed cultural deprivation for Clapham, that York had no special importance in railway history, and that another museum in York would be 'unto him that hath shall be given'. Government action was necessary to prise the museum away from London.

NATURE PROGRAMMES
Practically all of these on radio are set in the New Forest, Devon and the Somerset Levels. The South Downs may be featured in summer only. On TV, Orkney and Shetland may also figure, and paradoxically, sea-bird colonies off Wales. Rather puzzlingly, a great many programmes may be devoted to the re-introduction of the osprey and red kite to this country. Awards were won in 1987-88 when not a single nature programme on radio or TV was set between the Trent and the Tweed. Whole areas of the country including the Cheviots, North Pennines, North Lancashire, the Cumbrian coast and Walney Island have never featured at all. Seas off Northern coasts should be called 'harsh', and 'cold' though, annoyingly, teeming with life. Seas off Cornwall are 'balmy' and of course, always blue. In your Year in Britain programme, start in the north at the fag end of winter. Snow on the hills, shaggy sheep, all trees bare. Glorious summer on the South Downs. ON NO ACCOUNT reverse this sequence.

NEWS
McLurg's Law, by which events diminish in importance in proportion to their distance from London is to be strictly applied. If books worth a quarter of a million are stolen at Westminster Abbey, it is news. If it happens at Durham Cathedral, it is news in brief.

NORTH, UP
This is a handily dismissive phrase. It can be the title of a book in which an 'admittedly prejudiced' and wholly uninformed chap from the home counties bowls mindlessly round the North. The audience is assumed to be metropolitan (v. WE) and the tone will be the traditionally aimless irony adopted by metropolitan journalists on safari. For Northerners to do the reverse would be unthinkable, and if it weren't, it would be a mark of provincialism.
Use the distancing and diminishing phrase when addressing the nation (i.e. London). On Richard and Judy (London scene as studio background) say: 'Next week, it visits Manchester (pause) - up North.' There are as many people living within 90 miles of Piccadilly Manchester as there are within 90 miles of Piccadilly London, and of course about 20 million or so people living north of Manchester. Carry on regardless.

NOTTINGHAM, GIRL, TAKING OUT OF
'You can take the girl out of Nottingham, but you can't take Nottingham out of the girl.' The implication is that this process is indisputably desirable. Naturally, to substitute Herts or Surrey, and especially London for Nottingham would be ludicrous.

NOVELISTS
Novels are 'regional' (or 'provincial') if they are set in the suburbs of a northern city. Set in outer London, they become 'suburban'. Those set in the inner suburbs of London are just novels. Constantly enthuse over novels making London out to be a dark and mysterious city, full of nooks and crannies oozing history, though this is rather a problem in what is a relatively modern, post-1666 capital city.
    Novelists living and working in e.g. Manchester are said to be Manchester-based implying impermanence. No writer is 'London-based'. A noted writer like R.S. Surtees can be called 'faceless' because of lack of London information. Gwyn Thomas and Sid Chaplin can be similarly marginalised and denigrated with pseudo-sympathetic adjectives - 'unsung', 'neglected' or even 'little-known' i.e. by London critics like yourselves. Naturally it should be implied that this obscurity is actually well-merited. Novelists who pile on the squalor and deprivation of their northern upbringing may be given much review space. This nostalgie de la boue is just what you want to encourage.
    Do a series on how clever lady novelists broke away from 'home, the North and mother' via university to make their name in London. Novelists from other parts of the country have no problems in this regard, nor will there be a series on how writers born in London break away from 'home, Norwood and mother.' Naturally, novelists who have stayed up north, or moved there from elsewhere, should be denied the oxygen of publicity.
    The perverse notion espoused by Alan Plater among others, that the specific and regional is in fact universal should be dismissed, Chekhov and Ibsen notwithstanding This is anti-metropolitan. Andy Capp is syndicated in fifty countries. Ignore.

NUCLEAR WASTE
Produce (inaccurate) maps of likely sites for disposal. These will never be near London. There are overwhelming scientific reasons for this.

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OIL
Produce (inaccurate) maps of possible on-shore drilling sites. None of these will be near London. There are overwhelming scientific reasons for this. If oil seems likely to turn up under the Forest of Bowland or the Eden Valley, or even Hadrian's wall, stress the advantages to 'areas of high unemployment'.
Take the same attitude to e.g. toxic waste incinerators on Teesside or Tyneside. The trend for areas of 'industrial dereliction' to become green again must be halted at all costs. If the North were to lose the 'grimy industrial image' you have worked so hard to promote, your entire metrocentric stance would be undermined. Avidly applaud open-cast mining, and keep talking about slag-heaps even when, as in County Durham, there are none - or indeed any coal mines. 'Industrial wastelands' is a phrase as evocative as 'home counties' and should be wheeled out at every possible opportunity. In any case, lots of downbeat vox pop about 'going down the pit' and 'when the snow was red' (because of the ironworks).

OLYMPIC GAMES
Birmingham or Manchester's efforts to stage the games should be treated with sympathetic wonderment and gently patronised (call it 'brave'), while still under consideration. Show small (inaccurate) sketch-maps of the proposed facilities, unrelated to the city as a whole, and grim derelict sites where the stadia are to stand. Afterwards the bids should be called 'doomed' or 'ludicrous', and derided by London-based comics and magazines. In need hardly be said that scurrilous talk of the City of London's willingness to support the games financially only if the venue was London should be contemptuously dismissed.
Refer always to 'Manchester's bid', never 'securing the games for Britain'. Financial problems afflicting sporting initiatives in provincial cities will curiously fade away when the games come to London. Be loud in praise and uncritical celebration. The games will be another chance to embellish the capital (v. LOTTERY; MILLENNIUM) this time with excellent sporting facilities. Show glamorous pictures of what these will be like, never the wasteland they are today.
Glory be, the games have been awarded to London for 2012. Dancing in the (London) streets. Your job is now to keep the games in the media for the next seven years - one story a week: nature programmes on the Lea valley; Queen's visit - 'exciting'; when the games were last held in London; that sort of thing. Now go to it. Remember, the Olympic Games, though held in London, will 'benefit the whole country.' Do not elucidate.

OPERA
Your critic must keep suggesting that provincial, or Welsh and Scottish opera successes should be brought to London: 'It is a pity that this fine production will not be seen in the capital,' so forth. 'Deserves a London audience' is a wounding blow (a Golden Goad contender). Applied to Covent Garden: 'Deserves to be seen nation-wide' would be risible. Your idea of bringing opera to the masses means reducing some ticket prices and letting the sound be heard outside the opera house. That the vast majority of the British population would have to spend huge amounts even to reach and spend time in London should not cross your mind.
The pretext that there was no suitable venue outside London for large-scale opera had a good innings. After the Manchester Palace and Opera House had spent #4 million of its own money to provide a home for the Royal Opera however, the latter had, perforce to perform there in 1981 and 1983. That was more than enough. Now it is 'too costly' to travel two hundred miles, though flagship tours to Japan are in order. Any reduction in the Royal Opera House grant should be endlessly lamented in all media: 'Centres of excellence'; 'Is Britain in danger of becoming a nation of cultural morons?' And much, much more.

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE
Many of you attended the old universities, so treat them as honorary London. Devote vast space in your correspondence columns to proposed new roads in Oxford, election of poetry professors and the like. The University boat race (in London) should be trumpeted as a national event. Do your best for the rugby match as well, even when other universities are actually superior at the game. Though e.g. Durham produces twice as many county cricketers as Oxford and Cambridge, the latter are the only universities to play cricket against first-class counties, whose batsmen glut their averages with double centuries against the hapless students. One whinging letter from statisticians every five years.
All other universities are 'redbrick', except London which, though technically redbrick, should bear no opprobrious designation. The ancient Scottish universities, which predate much of Oxbridge, don't count (v. SCOTLAND). In your literary reference work refer to novels set in a 'provincial university' (this doesn't mean London), or featuring 'provincial schoolmasters'. How these differ from London ones need not be dilated upon. No novels are set straightforwardly at any university other than Oxford and Cambridge.
You may run the odd piece deploring 'elitism', or even mention that for some subjects, Oxford and Cambridge are not the best. Do not worry; nothing will happen. Dons who declare that the old universities' unique teaching system will collapse without their substantial government subsidy are on dangerous ground. This implies that without special treatment, the old universities would be no better than anywhere else. Give this a brief airing, then drop the subject quickly. Stuff your arts columns with reviews of books on Oxford or Cambridge 'characters', like Maurice Bowra or C.S. Lewis, and memoirs of undergrad days consisting largely of getting drunk and wearing purple trousers. No other university has ever had 'characters' and no memoirs or celebratory novels are written about them. TV dramas set in Oxbridge are always shot in summer, and the university named. Those set elsewhere are shot in November or February and not named.

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PLACES, OF ALL
Express or imply surprise that eminent people were born, grew up and, especially, live outside the South East. 'Of all places...' is now discredited, but acceptable phrases are: ' It comes as a surprise to learn...' or: 'In the somewhat improbable surroundings of...'
A quality Sunday newspaper wrote of Patricia Hodge: 'For a woman of such patrician looks, it comes as a surprise to learn that she was brought up in a Grimsby hotel.' Print over-reactions from infuriated Grimbarians: 'Of course we all have two heads, club feet and an IQ of 70.' Don't apologise however. After an interval do it again. As Radio Times put it, writing of the same actress: 'She exudes such an air of refined good breeding that it's a surprise to learn that she was brought up in an (albeit plush) Grimsby hotel...' Just keep at it and resistance will crumble into dumb resignation. As Natalie Wheen said on 'Kaleidoscope' (Radio 4): 'The Lindsay Quartet have made this extraordinary gesture of living in Sheffield rather than Hendon or Croydon.' Precisely.

PLAQUES, COMMEMORATIVE
Since the collapse of the old GLC all London plaques have been funded by the government (i.e. the taxpayer). Publish a photograph of every new one. Outside London, local authorities have to finance plaques through their own budgets and account for money spent. This tends to result in a plethora of plaques in London ('Rock Trail for London?') and few elsewhere - though you know nothing of them anyway. No photographs.

POETS
Sir John Betjeman was a godsend: amiable and comprehensible, he rarely left the South. Other poets seem far less approachable, choosing to live in painfully unfashionable spots while practising their esoteric craft - Hull, Glasgow, even Belfast. When interviewing these stubborn folk, do not fail to ask how it is that they do not live in London: 'You find Hull... stimulating?'
Poets who show indifference to London concerns should be called 'anti-metropolitan' , implying a snarling chip-on-the-shoulder attitude, with the capital strongly entrenched as reference point. This need not inhibit your own relentlessly anti-provincial stance expressed through an urbane, infuriating ignorance. Run lots of letters calling for a (publicly-funded) 'National Poetry centre' in London. At the Forward poetry prize awards in the Waterstone's basement in Piccadilly in October 2001, Christina Patterson remarked that all the people interested in the award were probably in that room. Never mention this.

PONTELAND, ASPATRIA, TYNEMOUTH
Get northern locations consistently wrong (v. TOWNS). Names of Polish politicians and string quartet players, however, should be pronounced impeccably. Needless to say, all southern places from Teignmouth to Plaistow, Piddletrenthide and Kingston Bagpuize are to be pronounced with a flourish.

POPULATION
The South East of England at its greatest extent, from the Wash to the Isle of Wight, contains less than one third of the inhabitants of Britain. The London area comprises some 14%. Always write as if the majority of the populace lived in the South East, or at least balances the number living elsewhere.

PROBLEMS
The problems afflicting Londoners are to be taken as the norm for all urban areas in the UK. Everyone is bursting to hear about them. So whether it's crowded trains, wheel-clamping, beggars, bus convoys, squeegee men or pooch-flop on the pavement, endless column inches must be deployed, and vast quantities of ministerial gas expended in parliament, and laws passed to cope, however inappropriate this may be for provincial cities (v. WE).

PROVINCES
You should always be at pains to divide Britain into London and Outside London., as in guides to restaurants and wine-bars, and especially in your 'What's On' column, where events must be absurdly weighted in favour of the capital. This is a potent promoter of dispersal panic (v. CULTURE).
Provincial pageantry, Lord Mayor's Shows, Chinese New Year, carnivals and so on must be ignored completely, except for the occasional quaint ritual to which you send the reporter with the chuckle in her voice or the bloke who tries to imitate the local accent. However, when the matter concerns child abuse, riots, murders, grim police combing waste ground, and higher than average rates of disease, give the provinces plenty of coverage. Be sure to keep the cameras tight up against the court building or whatever - NO cityscape, ever. The opposite in central London (and Oxford).

If the characters in your novel reach the provinces, things take a distinct turn for the worse, unless in the Cotswolds and the West Country (q.v.). In big cities there is no sense of townscape. You are unaware of their history or cultural scene, so concentrate on weather, food and any surface grime (q.v.) . Above all, NO CELEBRATION of provincial city life. There should be a powerful sub-text of wanting to move to London on the part of anyone with a modicum of talent, or even those without (v. LEAVING).
Towns and villages have invented names (very important: knowledge of provincial city suburbs , bus or underground routes is permissible only in avowedly regional novels). There should be a sense of being on mercifully brief safari: 'The thought of another month in...' Once back in London, your characters relax in familiar streets, suburbs and restaurants with real names. Public transport can once again be described, with an accompanying rain of Greater London topography.

PROVINCIAL
A most useful word in that it combines non-London with cultural denigration. Always prefer it to the neutral 'regional'. The true provincial is self-absorbed, complacently oblivious or contemptuous of other people and other worlds. This is far too close a description of the metropolitan would-be sophisticate for comfort. As far as you are concerned, provincialism is not a state of mind. It is a matter of address, and can be alleviated by moving to London. However broad one's outlook, if one lives in Aberdeen or Ambleside, one is provincial. Your critic should write: 'But James is so promising that London is bound to (and indeed does) win him from this temporary provincialism.' Salman Rushdie's departure for New York, despairing of the narrowness, infighting and ultimate provincialism of London literary life must never be mentioned under any circumstances. Assignments outside the home counties should be ruefully described as 'exile'.
From all this it follows that your intense preoccupation with the clothes, furnishings, food, behaviour and conversation of N.W.1. and S.W.3 cannot be labelled parochialism. You should imply that 'sophistication' in fact, consists in being at ease in this area. It also has the effect of compelling provincial talent in these fields to gravitate to London for recognition. Naturally, any criticisms concerning e.g. the Beatles: '...With their move to London and consequent involvement with the fashionable world, a certain rhetorical windiness began to take over' (Observer 8.9.74) must be given short shrift (v. NOVELISTS). The Observer (27.10.02) remarked that Gainsborough's work became 'glib, unreflecting and frothy' once he had made his reputation and moved to London. 'The women, elongated and deboned, are coddled in swathes of flashy brushwork. The men have less personality than their adoring spaniels'. Preposterous of course.
Plays, films and novels must always feature the provincial struggling to make his/her way in metropolitan society. THEY ARE ALWAYS PLAYING AWAY. No smug sophisticate can ever be shown as a fish out of water in a sceptical provincial milieu.

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QUEEN, THE
Queen Elizabeth I was our greatest monarch. She never went north of the Trent in her life. Never mention this. No Royals since then have ever spent any length of time in the North either and none of them live there.
Every London institution from the London and Marsden Hospitals to the National Theatre should have 'Royal' added as a matter of course.

QUIZ All quizzes should be stuffed with questions about London landmarks, institutions, colour of tube lines, so forth. This, while apparently fair to all, will favour the south eastern contestant, as well as publicising the capital relentlessly. By implication, provincial landmarks are of minor significance and for the most part need never be mentioned. Specialist subjects e.g. Victorian architecture should always have at least two thirds of the questions devoted to London.

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RACING
South of the Wash, courses may have glamorous nicknames - Headquarters, Glorious Goodwood, Royal Ascot, Cheltenham Festival, so forth. Call the latter 'the world's greatest festival of racing'. No criticisms at all. Keep using these PR names. Things are different in the North. A jockey may be said to be 'based in the North' (no location) and so implied to be in the second division, and the same goes for trainers. Stables in the South must always be precisely identified by county, and normally by village as well. Newmarket, though criticised in the North as 'vastly overrated and overcrowded' should always be celebrated by you. Mention moving the Grand National to Newmarket, because 'Aintree was going nowhere' and was 'at the back end of Bootle'. That Newmarket is situated in bleak, windswept fen country is no drawback - and must never be described in those terms of course.
The oldest classic race, and the only one held in the North, is the St Leger. Keep sniping at it: 'Not the race it was of yore.' Though racehorses have not in fact increased their speed over the decades, keep hinting that the staying distance of the St Leger is too long to please breeders. Call the Doncaster course 'urban'. The subsidence of 1989 was a godsend - 'the course has got to prove itself now.' Eventually it will be moved south, thus confirming the observation that Britain is like a Christmas stocking - sooner or later, everything, like Richard and Judy, finds its way down to the bottom right-hand corner (v. BRITISH INSTITUTIONS). York, however, is the acceptable face of the North, picturesque and easy of access from London. The beautiful venue, knowledgeable public and smart dress, without peacock arrogance, of elegant women who have come for the racing not social posturing can be given favourable publicity of the usual patronising kind - 'the Ascot of the North'.

RAILWAY STATIONS
The London termini of Fenchurch St. and Liverpool St. may never be used for interviews; nor are King's Cross and St Pancras , as these lines lead quite quickly to the Midlands and the North. Euston should appear only rarely, though the destruction of the Euston Arch should be constantly lamented decades later. In your delirious piece in the Saturday magazine, make it stand for the entire Railway Age, but don't mention Robert Stephenson as the builder of the Birmingham-Euston line, the first into the capital. The Paddington terminus of the Great Western Railway (q.v.) on the other hand, must feature ever and anon. Above all, Waterloo should be filmed constantly and its travellers given the freedom of the airways (v. COMMUTERS).

REMOTE
Tokyo is not remote. California is not remote. Majorca is not remote. Hull is remote.

REPORTERS
On TV and radio, these should be largely made up of slovenly, glottal-stopping Estuary speakers: 'Bri'ain, 'Sco'land', 'droring', 'seketerry', 'producks', 'ivestigation', 'fith' (fifth), 'avertising,' 'picksher', and, nowadays, 'serous', 'varous' and so on. This is a pain in the ear to provincials.
Scots and Irish may be over-represented in order to fend off criticism of metrocentrism, but the English provinces should get the dirty end of the stick. No Brum, Scouse, Yorkshire or Geordie accents, nor even East Anglian or West Country.

RESTAURANTS
The Canteen restaurant in London, once owned by Michael Caine and Marco Pierre White made £1.8 million from a turnover of ™3million. Even BT don't do as well as that. The ferocious cost of dining in London is well worth paying, however, and #60 for two is 'very reasonable'.
That London restaurants are so superior as to exist in a different universe is no longer true of course; regional chefs can be just as good as London ones, and often work with superior local materials. Dispersal panic is seriously at risk here, so give this sort of information no oxygen of publicity whatever. Your critic should very rarely leave the capital anyway, and your paper should support, publicise and subsidise London Restaurant Week. Your Restaurant Guide should be absurdly skewed in favour of the capital, and, as with all cultural lists, be divided into London and (very sparse) Outside London.

RICHARD III
As a northerner, he is to be denigrated and the southern-based Tudors, especially Elizabeth I, shamelessly sucked up to (v. QUEEN, THE). Celebrations in his honour at e.g. Middleham may be mentioned occasionally, but never described or televised.

RIVERS
Hampshire trout streams, the Severn, and, if writing for the Sunday Times, 'our beloved Thames' may be ambled down in swooning appreciation. Re-run Three Men in a Boat ever and anon. Also one radio programme a year in which individuals, with or without dogs, journey upstream to the source of the Thames. Speculate for decades about fish returning to the Thames.
Northern rivers are never ambled down. Auden's 'peat-stained deserted burns/ That feed the WEAR and TYNE and TEES' should remain deserted. The Tyne is now England's finest salmon river, but it and other northern rivers are to be characterised for ever by the belt of industry formerly at their mouths. TV cameras must seek out pollution and 'industrial froth' with relentless fervour.

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SCOTLAND
Having been until 1707, an independent country with a sturdy two-fingers attitude to England, it is difficult to reduce the Scots to order. Glasgow is far enough away from London to have a viable culture of its own and Edinburgh is undeniably a magnificent city and a real capital - especially now that the Scottish Assembly, despite your best efforts, has become a reality (keep sniping though). Moreover, London intellectuals are forced to travel to Edinburgh for their works outing at the Festival every year, thus giving it a familiarity (q.v.) denied to English provincial cities. The Scots in their sense of national identity, independence, self-confidence and penetration of the London media, are a fearful warning of what the English regions could become. A curious kind of homage to Scotland, however, may surface in your (inaccurate) lists of inventors, engineers and the like. George Stephenson of Newcastle and Sir Joseph Swan of Sunderland, can appear as famous Scots, for example.
    Scotland (like Wales) also enjoys much higher public expenditure than the English regions. It has its own legal and education systems, its own LTA, FA, National Trust and much else. Outside the South East, the Scots have the highest disposable income in the UK. Successive quality of life graphs have shown the Scots to be streets ahead. Action is necessary. First, undermine the Edinburgh Festival itself. Be scathing about the legendary philistine stinginess of 'the city fathers' (nowhere else has these). Brood over whether the whole event has become too elitist. Ignore Adam's New Town, and go ferreting round the back streets instead searching for drug-abuse problems. 'Here, not a mile from Princes Street...' You know the sort of thing. On a higher level, ask in bold headlines where Scottish culture is going: be deeply concerned about this. Under-dressed intellectuals should debate 'Scottish Cultural Identity' on television. English cultural identity, whatever that is, need not be discussed.
    Scots tend to treat interview questions with articulate seriousness, rather than giggles, and so can be called 'dour', or said to have a 'pawky' sense of humour. Do not define. Comedians and actresses should be wildly over-praised, especially at the Edinburgh Festival and lured to London.
    Glasgow, like London and Brighton, had its 'razor gangs', an image you were wonderfully successful in establishing. The city's emergence as European City of Culture was properly treated with amazement. Your reporters flocked in to 'find out' what was happening. Lots of 'Uncle Tom' pieces with titles like: 'Behind the somewhat deceptive new image of the city...' Since then, the city of culture title can be repeated ad nauseam, and thus become irritating, but, naturally, report nothing from Glasgow's actual cultural scene, not even the opening of the Groucho club there.
    Scottish sporting success becomes 'British' , but failure can usually be ascribed to some purely Scottish fallibility. If Celtic win the European Cup, it's: 'Top Trophy for Britain.' If all the teams are eliminated, however, it's: 'Bad Night for Scots'. Talented Scots signing for London clubs may be pressed for inclusion in the Scottish national team. No Scot who remains in his homeland should get any attention at all. Scots who perversely return to that homeland must be given the appropriate handle by your commentators: 'Ex-Watford star, Mo Johnston.' Eamonn Bannon was an ex-Chelsea star for years (v. FOOTBALL). Scottish football supporters have a high reputation abroad. Ignore. Show ancient footage of Scots trashing the Wembley goal-posts. Scottish weather and especially 'midges' are a grim drawback to life across the border. Paradoxically, however, the more god-forsaken parts of Scotland may be filmed Your soppy 'Year in Britain' series shows a great deal of Scotland in winter. Photograph e.g. Julian Pettifer frozen stiff on the Cairngorms : 'A degree or two colder and the glaciers would start to re-form...'
     Give two pages of your supplement over to a celebration of Dundee-based comics like the Beano but do not mention either Dundee or Scotland. Golden Goad winner 2003.

SCOUTS
The first Boy Scouts camp was held in Northumberland. Never mention this. Instead show endless footage of the trial camp held the previous year on Brownsea Island in Poole harbour.

SEA, NORTH
There is little difference in winter sea temperatures (warmer than the land) round the British Isles. Even the summer maximum at about 14 degrees (in SW England), is still lethally cold. Reserve polar language for the North East, however - icy, freezing, stormy and of course always grey, even if the sky is blue (a paradox). No mention of holiday resorts there and positively no summer pictures.

SHEFFIELD
Lots of celebrities 'got out' of Sheffield - Michael Palin and Peter Stringfellow among them. Encourage this aspect of their youth in your interview, smiling. The failure of the Millennium popular music project, the expense of the World Student Games and the decline of Sheffield Wednesday should be mentioned frequently. The world snooker championship gives the Crucible Theatre undeniable prestige, but curiously enough this can be undermined by constant hyperbole and mock-awe in TV coverage, in the course of which London stars may be asked (unthinkable at London venues) if the competition should be staged anywhere else. You may also casually describe the Crucible as a 'tiny venue'. The clientele can be appraised rather unsympathetically, using words like 'sport replica shirts' and 'blue-rinse'. Bad behaviour (almost always by raucous supporters of Londoners like Jimmy White and Ronnie O'Sullivan) should be ascribed to the clientele as a whole.

SITES, HERITAGE, WORLD
Originally there were seven such UNESCO sites in the UK, all distressingly far from the South East. Sterling work on your part has restored this imbalance. There are now four in London alone, including Kew Gardens. Even Blenheim Palace has got in for some reason. How any of these sites equate to a whole series of Edward I's castles in Wales, or Hadrian's Wall need not be investigated.

SHOW, LATE, THE
This, or its equivalent, should be introduced with a montage of tickets to London arts venues only (v. CULTURE). It should be an awesome example of 'coterie culture', exuding metropolitan complacency, indeed provincialism (q.v.), and be based solidly on what the arts pages of the Sunday papers contain. Rebut charges of metrocentricity by pointing to your visits to Dublin, New York and Paris (v. COSMOPOLITAN).

SITCOMS
More than ninety per cent of these are set in the London area. Lots of jobs for the locals. Write one article a year deploring this via a disgruntled northern writer, but counter with the statement that 'a Cockney sitcom has never been known to fail'.
Vast numbers of documentaries are set in the capital too, of course, and whole series are devoted to one area of the city after another - 'Paddington Green', 'The Heart of Harlesden', so forth.

SNOOKER
Raucous shouting at London venues in support of local players should escape censure. Publish a viewer's letter to the effect that this adds 'atmosphere'. No praise for decorous provincial audiences.

SOUTH SHIELDS
The only (brief) documentary ever shot in this homely resort, 'Canny Shields', was made by the BBC, quite properly in November. A blood-red sun hovered over banks of icy fog. Magnificent. The Great North Run ends on the sea front here, but all the cameras face inland from the National Trust beach and cliff scenery (a Golden Goad contender). If compelled to write of the integrated Muslim community in Shields, mention 'refineries, smoke-stacks and gas-towers'. There are no such things in Shields, any more than there are in Brighton, but the twin objectives of nettling the natives and preserving the 'industrial' stereotype are achieved. Similarly feel free to speak of non-existent smoke stacks in Hartlepool, which, though 'windswept' of course, is also 'smoggy'. A paradox.

SPONSORSHIP
Your constant high-profile reporting of financial crises afflicting London institutions will attract well-meaning support from home and abroad, as well as sponsorship from firms keen to share the news publicity you provide - a circular arrangement vastly advantageous to the capital. There will be questions in parliament and money-raising galas, which should receive uncritical praise. Provincials will carp about subsidising these events. Ignore. Thus Sadler's Wells, though attacked as ' a rotten theatre' and 'a dreadful old poke', got sums the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic or the Manchester Palace can only dream about.
London locations like Battersea Power Station, the Rose Theatre, London Zoo (v. ZOO), Elstree Studios, the Oval, the Old Vic, St Ethelburga's church, and everything else that looks like disappearing can be 'saved', often through sponsorship, so long as there is a sustained barrage in all media (v. HOSPITALS, GREAT ORMOND STREET, LOTTERY). Assist the process with an unstoppable series of 'fly-on-the-wall' documentaries at every conceivable London venue - Covent Garden, London Zoo, Battersea Dog's Home (q.v.), the Foreign Office, the Victoria and Albert Museum and so on and on.

SPORT
Use the 'up there in Carlisle' type of phrase as much as possible, preferably while leaning forward and smiling under the moustache. It is a supreme irritant. Though it may seem paradoxical, try also to say 'up to London' and 'up for the cup', emphasising London's pre-eminence. Spectators outside London should be patronised: 'The good folk of Telford', 'this knowledgeable Yorkshire crowd.' On no account say this at any London ground. The words 'partisan' and 'fanatical' are also to be restricted to provincial crowds. Only northern grounds have an 'intimidating atmosphere' (v. FOOTBALL). Northern sports like Rugby League, crown Green Bowls or league cricket should be chucklingly portrayed as 'hard' and grittily competitive. This tough, disagreeable image should be linked to the towns which support the game. Locals will assist you with exaggerated stories of grim hardihood to make the home counties flinch. Attack Rugby League as 'parochial' and having a cloth-cap image. Nothing can be parochial in London (v. PROVINCIAL) or have any negative image.
Mutterings about London bias in international match selection should be put down to provincial paranoia. In the 1970s, the All-Blacks were thrashed 21-9 by the North (their heaviest ever defeat in Britain) and looked forward to annihilation in the test match. Naturally only six of the North team were selected for England, who lost. NEVER mention this. All ministers of sport are Londoners, and support London football clubs vociferously.

STADIUM, MILLENNIUM
Try the odd stumble: 'The cup final at Wembley, or rather, Cardiff'. Always call the stadium 'fantastic'. Keep on and on doing so, until the listener thinks there must be something wrong about the place. Then pitch in. Is the grass too long, the pitch too heavy, does enough sun get onto it? Does the closed roof make for an over-humid atmosphere: 'I can tell you, I'm sweating!' The steep rake of the terracing gives you vertigo - but the view is 'fantastic, just fantastic.' Afterwards keep questioning fans about the traffic: 'What time will you get home, then, Paul?'

STRIKES
If they affect the Barrow shipyards, railways in the North or council services in Glasgow, they can be ignored. If they last for weeks, a short news item is in order. If services in London are affected, however, reporters with strained voices should appear on every bulletin. Interviews with MPs, people skating to work, piles of rubbish, rats nosing about. When will the whole country grind to a halt? And much more.
Be in favour of local pay bargaining as this will localise strikes and enable you to ignore them.

SUFFRAGETTES
Their story is to be treated purely as a London-based middle-class movement, beginning from when the Pankhursts moved to London in 1905. Thereafter the newsworthy militant movement is to get all the attention and the movement's roots in Lancashire ignored. Episodes of suffragette history in other English cities must be either ignored or moved to London in your stirring TV series. Another Golden Goad contender. On Woman's Hour, demand pink plaques (in London) to those (London) leaders not so far honoured.

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TARTS, CUSTARD
Delicacies which have disappeared because of the capital's relentless neophilia can still be found in the provinces. Extricate yourself in adroit patronising fashion by bewailing the lack of real custard tarts, and admit that you can still get them in places which are a 'bit behind the times', like Leeds or Middlesbrough.

THEATRE
Actors' fruity reminiscences should dwell on 'grim digs', 'provincial rep', fish and chips, and of course, 'draughty halls'. There are 'northern landladies' but, paradoxically, no London ones. You should eschew any reference to inspiring performances, audience rapport, stage-struck youngsters outside London. It is all a tawdry struggle. Once in the West End, however, your interviewee may expatiate on long runs with 'wonderful people'. Quote Hermione Gingold with approval: 'Olivier is a tour de force, Wolfit is forced to tour.' The provinces get the second-rate, but if they dislike what they see and give, say, the aged Nureyev the bird in Sunderland, deplore the display of provincial boorishness.
Seven out of ten West End shows close early, and only one in ten makes money. This must on no account curb the boundless enthusiasm of your garrulous critics, or indeed be mentioned at all. Though the West End has been criticised in recent years as a lunar landscape in drama terms, featuring for the most part minor thrillers, comedies and re-runs of old musicals, London is the world's theatre capital. Keep saying this; in fact keep saying both these newsworthy things. Plug the Laurence Olivier awards on television of course, but do not mention that they are confined to London productions. This particularly applies when the best work is being done in the provinces. Nominated for the Golden Goad 1994. When American tourism dries up, London productions close. However, the notion that London can't support large-scale artistic activity without heavy government subsidy or foreign tourists should be combated fiercely.

In general, you should restrict your coverage of provincial theatre to productions having big stars, or which are coming to London. Such plays are being tried out on provincials who pay full price for what is, in effect, a rehearsal. See nothing odd in this. The Royal Shakespeare Company's annual six-week season in Newcastle should never be mentioned UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Your piece on the state of British Theatre is , of course, about the state of London Theatre.
Vast amounts of free uncritical publicity may be given to American stars who play small London theatres for paltry fees. Even more space should be given over to disingenuous musings on what makes them do it, and who might do it next. No space to why they don't do it in e.g. Manchester.

TOURISTS
These are a London nuisance, monopolising public transport, crowding the shops and standing about on street corners looking at maps. Print articles suggesting that other areas of Britain should be 'sold' to tourists. Do not be apprehensive; people have been saying this for thirty years. If such a plan is actually put forward, ridicule it with headlines: 'Sheffield for Tourists?' , above sarcastic articles by insecure provincials on your staff.
Unluckily, London lost almost all its mediaeval built heritage in 1666, so every effort must be made to retain any existing attractions (v. NATIONAL RAILWAY MUSEUM) and ersatz new ones installed e.g. the London dungeon, the Football Hall of Fame, H.M.S. Belfast.

TOWN
'Set in a northern industrial town' is sufficient introduction to any play, novel or film. No distinctions need be attempted; 'set in a southern industrial town' is not enough, however, nor are any southern industrial towns.
    Kirkby Lonsdale can be described in Radio Times as being 'in North West England'. No town may be described as being 'in South East England'; the county must be supplied. Towns and villages between the Tees and Tweed may be breezily located in 'Northumbria' Towns such as Barrow or Grimsby can usually be put in the wrong county, and Newcastle (a county by itself) always is. Todmorden can be put anywhere. Kendal and Keswick should be confused whenever possible, like Bladon and Blaydon, and even the prize-winning Cockermouth and Cullercoats. Though located some twenty-five miles inland, Hull can be located on the 'gale-wracked' East coast, facing (be bold) the Atlantic. It can be derided as an EU designated seaside resort because of the rainfall, though it gets less than Brighton. These efforts, both of which appeared in the Guardian, jointly won the 1995 Golden Goad. A strong 2003 contender for the gilded prod were the TV programmes dramatising Philip Larkin's life in Hull. These are all shot in and around London 'because none of the cast or crew are based in Hull, tight budget etc.' This bare-faced effrontery is just what we want.
    Northern towns are dull, drab, grey, grimy and bleak. Life there is raw, gritty and may well be mean also. There is no need to define any of this, but if the spirit falters, recall the blurb in the Penguin novels of the '50s- This Sporting Life, for example: 'Fouled by the grime, sweat, intrigue and naked ambition of a northern city'. Joe Lampton in Room at the Top is brought up in 'poverty and squalor in an ugly North Country town'. Any dilution of this grim picture must be sternly discouraged - in A Kestrel for a Knave for instance: 'It's as real as a slap in the face to think that orange juice and comprehensive schools have taken the meanness out of life in the raw working towns'. It is grim up north.
    Above all, the impression must be strenuously conveyed that the North is eighty per cent industrial and twenty per cent rural, rather than the other way about. No mention of beaches or national parks (q.v.), no gracious living in country town or village. Writers like Philip Larkin who spent any time in the North or Midlands have always inhabited 'drab provincial towns', though you, of course have never been within fifty miles of them. Any real architectural splendour must be ignored, or, if Victorian, undermined. Always use the patronising phrase 'civic pride' (London is above this). Writers who live 'in the country' are exempt from this disparagement (v. COUNTRY).

Your journalists, film-makers and so on are all abroad in the summer, so documentaries set in Britain must be shot in November or February. This will permit the deployment of the old stand-bys: 'bleak' , 'chill wind', 'drizzle', 'an acrid whiff of...' and much more. Murky photographs with hunched figures, cranes or mill chimneys . Beryl Bainbridge once wrote that only a TV crew would come to a seaside resort in late autumn. Very true: this is a key image-fixing device.
Feel free to use airy and completely inaccurate generalisations in your feature: 'Newcastle - a city of bridges, engineering, coal and brown ale.' Then acknowledge the assistance of Newcastle-under-Lyme council. For sheer number of birds slain with one stone, this rightly won the 1980-90 Goad of Goads for a prominent 'national' newspaper.
Wherever possible connect a person or team with the town they represent in one rebarbative whole. Feel free to let your imagination take flight here, since you are, naturally, ignorant of the place concerned: 'The drabness of Derby's play was positively distressing. They are as featureless as the town they represent and just as badly in need of reconstruction.' You may print a letter from the Derby planning officer, sounding defensive. In general, try to get as close as you can to the following which may stand as exemplar (Sunday Times 1972): '

Flinty, sharp-boned men from a bleak, grey outpost of provincialism, Liverpool's consistent appearance as contenders for at least one trophy must be recurring grit in the eyes of sophisticates who consider themselves more suitable leaders of any section of society.'

Southern towns, including London, have no image other than affluence and need not 'try' to do or 'prove' anything. Large northern cities like Hull, on the other hand, are for ever 'trying to put themselves on the map'.

TRIP, LONG, TO HARTLEPOOL
'QPR face the long trip to Hartlepool'; 'Harlequins face the six-hundred-mile round trip to Newcastle.' Paradoxically, it is not a long journey the other way, thus bearing out the adage that it is much further from New York to Squeedunk than from Squeedunk to New York.

TWICKENHAM
The stadium has been called austere, forbidding and having a unique lack of atmosphere. Ignore call it 'the Cathedral of Rugby' and ascribe this designation to the French. Teams 'dream of Twickenham', not the cup final. Twickenham has 'hallowed turf' (v. WEMBLEY, WIMBLEDON).
All rugby union finals are played at Twickenham, so northern teams have no option but to travel to London. Be insultingly possessive about this, however. Teams from the North should be called 'northern raiders' if they win. This rather apprehensive appellation contributes to the age-old (southern) monarchical view of the North as unreliable, the abode of dangerous rebels and plunderers.

TYPICALLY ENGLISH
Village, pub, landscape. This means typically southern English. Your book England and the English should be strewn with pseudo-profundities around this theme: cricket, men in bowler hats, and ladies cycling to matins may feature, but not the Felling Working Men's Club.

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UNCLE TOMS
Gratifyingly many provincials are willing to do the dirty on their native town in order to ingratiate themselves with a southern patron or audience. 'When God created the world, he stubbed his cigarette out on Hartlepool;' 'Accrington - bleak, ugly, brutal and barren', so forth. Quote such statements prominently, preferably as the first sentence of a magazine article, or in a black box. Print one good-humoured letter demolishing the original statement, but allow no further correspondence.

Uncle Toms are always 'glad to get out of it' . They can be sent back to the town of their birth. to re-assess the place. Naturally, they will find reasons to confirm the wisdom of their decision to leave, and can be relied upon to be dubious about local initiatives and confirm southern prejudices: 'Jack Roberts reflects on his home city's somewhat misleading new image', that sort of thing. they can also ridicule other (in fact all other) provincial venues when doing their sports stories. Complaints about this 'metropolitan bias' can be fended off: 'Actually Harry is from Nottingham'.
Uncle Toms support London football teams, 'because my son does'. They should write frequent ecstatic columns about London life and institutions, suggesting ways of beautifying and improving the capital. 'Public money' may well be needed.

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VETERAN CARS
The London to Brighton run is the only such event in the entire country. Always cover the event and smile as you introduce it on the TV News. Re-run Genevieve.

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WE
Always address your readers and listeners as if they live in the London area and share the seriousness with which you take London life. Your columnists should make much of phrases like: 'As we sway in the tube on the way to work...'; 'We shall all soon be bumper to bumper on the M 25...; 'as our streets will shortly be gridlocked with beggars...' After a rare trip to the North at election time, your man will say: 'There are more beautiful places in this island than we sometimes think.'
    In everything from AIDS to Zoos, London locations and behaviour patterns are taken to be the self-evident reference points (v. PROBLEMS). This focuses public attention and resources at home and abroad on the capital and its institutions. Naturally, you will use the prefatory : 'Up and down the country', or 'London and other major cities...' The get on with describing and generalising from London experience. 'Here in London, for instance...' is the accepted phrase. Your book on the crisis in the Church of England is unblushingly based on churches in the centre of London (where you live). Your article on the grim state of England is, you admit, based mostly on Hackney.
    Phrases stressing how 'our overcrowded island' has become a seedy litter-ridden dump should be freely used, however little they apply to the provinces. Two thirds of traffic congestion is generated in the South east; treat it as a nation-wide problem rather than one of too much centralisation (q.v.) and press for 'government investment'.
    Directions to holiday destination at home and abroad are normally given from London only. Ferries from Newcastle to Norway or Amsterdam, or Hull to Rotterdam, should never be mentioned. 'Aintree is 'a long drive'. That sort of thing.

WEATHER
Only the west of Britain is milder in winter, though you should contrive to include the whole of the South under that heading. All of eastern England and Scotland (and London) have much the same winter temperatures. NEVER MENTION THIS or that summer days in the North are much longer than in the South. Barley yields in Scotland are some 25% higher than in England because of the longer summer daylight.
Inland southern areas, including Oxford and Cambridge in fact have much longer sub-zero periods than northern cities. If compelled to reflect this on your weather map, speak of 'topsy-turvy' weather. Be brazen about this; the stereotype, and dispersal panic, must be preserved. Other effective methods of spreading dispersal panic include casually saying 'the North' when you mean Shetland, and only quoting the extremes of temperature, thus: 'Ranging from a mild twelve degrees in the South to five or six in the North.' Daily repetition makes this devastatingly effective.

Weather forecasts always used to begin in the South, denoting relative importance (like the books on topography in the public library). Things have changed, but show pictures of winter bathers only at Brighton or in the Serpentine. Summer splashers only in London fountains. In Devon and Cornwall, use the word 'riviera' a lot, though Torbay gets more rain than Manchester, and Penzance much more. 'Driving Lancashire rain' , yes. 'Driving Devon rain, no.' (v. WEST COUNTRY). Contrive to say that Hull, Newcastle and Middlesbrough are afflicted by dull skies and rain, though they are on the dry side of the country, and Newcastle is the second driest city in the country. A paradox. The Cheviots are never named under any circumstances (v. CHEVIOTS). On TV say 'in southern Scotland there,' with your hand on Northumberland.
    At provincial venues always stress weather conditions. This is a potent promoter of dispersal panic. and should be relentlessly applied: 'A damp, overcast day here in Gateshead'; 'A chilly evening on Merseyside'; 'I can tell you it's cold (up) here at Headingley' - even if it's the same in London, in fact especially if it is. At outdoor events, it is always windy and cool. Be downbeat: 'Recorded an excellent time in the horrendous conditions'. If the sun is shining, say: 'Mercifully, the rain has held off.' Northern football commentators are curiously masochistic, talking endlessly of 'terrible northern weather', even when their match is on and London matches have been called off. Encourage them with seeming-facetious remarks: 'Expect it's a bit nippy up there...Hope you're wrapped up warm...I'll bet you're jealous of me in the studio here in London, feet up, cup of coffee...'
    At London and South East venues, the opposite naturally applies: 'Been a lot of rain but should suit Nigel's Wonder...'; 'Credit to the groundsman...'; 'Bit of rain earlier, but glorious sunshine now...' 'Weather fails to spoil London Marathon' should be your model headline. If rain teems down during the match at White Hart Lane, it may be mentioned once only - by contrast with 'from a rain-soaked Goodison', 'dreadful conditions here at St James Park.' At northern venues, defenders 'have great difficulty in keeping their footing'; attackers are frustrated by the ball holding up in the mud. In London, say: 'The damp surface will make the ball zip about and favour attackers - we're looking forward to a great game.' The word 'zip' here is obligatory.
    If the weather should be fine in the North but grim in the South, say: 'Britain woke today to cloudy skies, drizzle... The North fared somewhat better, with sunny periods.'
    The BBC weather map was altered in 2005 to show enlarged southern and south east areas, with corresponding diminution for the North. What was once a parody is now a reality. Excellent work. In the frame for the Golden Goad.

WEEK-END IN, WET
This jocular disparagement should always be applied to northern towns - Wigan, Wick etc.. Be surprised at any prickly response; plead amusing alliteration BUT never speak of a wet week-end in Worthing, Wembley, Willesden or of course, anywhere in the West Country (q.v.).

WEMBLEY
England is the only major country in Europe whose football team played all its matches in the capital. Never mention this. Instead you waffled on about tradition, 'that special Wembley feeling', 'twin towers', so forth ad nauseam. You mentioned the old Wembley's wide open spaces, even though many grounds have a larger playing surface - Manchester United and Nottingham Forest among them. You always talked of 'getting to Wembley' not 'getting to the final'. Your TV cup series is called 'The Road to Wembley' , not 'Cup Glory' or whatever. Always plug the London name (v. WIMBLEDON). According to you the Italians called Wembley 'the temple of football' (v. TWICKENHAM).
You showed lots of designs for the new Wembley. In Manchester only the derelict rival site was ever shown - a Golden Goad contender. The chaotic process of building a new Wembley was given an infinitely expandable time-limit. Birmingham complaints about a London Mafia inside the FA may be mentioned once. Run lots of complaints that both London finalists (for once) have to battle Britain's terrible transport system to play in e.g. Cardiff. That northern finalists have to do the same to get to London most years need not be mentioned. Meanwhile, constantly snipe at the Cardiff Millennium stadium (unlike the uncritical veneration accorded to the old Wembley, see below).
The 'National Stadium', something no other major country has, will keep all cup finals and internationals in London - and keep the regions in their place. The long and expensive trek to outer London was always described as 'a wonderful day out' (Brent has the highest background air pollution in the country). Like Twickenham and Wimbledon, Wembley had 'hallowed turf'. There was, perfectly properly, no critical discussion of the old stadium from anyone. Since its demise, one mention each for the awful visibility from the lower tier, behind one of the twenty-four pillars, next to the restaurant, alongside the top tier entrances, or under the pigeons. Brian Glanville's uneasy remark that 'there seems no end to the complaints one receives from fans about Wembley', ignored at the time, may now be briefly disinterred.

WEST COUNTRY, THE
As well as being the setting for most nature programmes, it is where most London folk go for their holidays, when they are not on the continent. It is where they go when they die. On record request programmes always call it 'a beautiful part of the world' . Always.
It should be treated as a kind of London hinterland, having beaches with sand on them, rarely windswept for some reason. The area's high rainfall must never be mentioned. Londoners should be led to perceive Devon and Cornwall as readily reachable from the capital, the equivalent mileage northwards would be getting on for Scotland. The West Country, when snow-bound, may be televised, preferably an aesthetic view from an aircraft. This should not be done anywhere near the Pennines - and never Tow Law.

WHO, DOCTOR
Though the Tardis can roam over all time and space, it will nowadays normally be found in London.

WIMBLEDON
This is always 'Wimbledon' of course, emphasising the London location. Other grand slam events are just 'the American Open'. Your attitude, as with all London venues must be uncritical and celebratory, indeed fawning. Use the world 'lovely' a lot (v. LORD'S) and pile on the soft-voiced flannel, especially when interviewing American celebrities. 'There's something (pause) special about Wimbledon, isn't there... It's the one the pros all want to win, isn't it?' Wimbledon turf is, like that of other London venues e.g. Wembley and Twickenham 'hallowed'.
    Players should always be identified by Wimbledon achievement: 'Paul Popovic, semi-finalist at Wimbledon four years ago, ' whatever he's done elsewhere. A world-beater who doesn't perform well on grass should be treated as a sort of failure. 'Lendl never won the Wimbledon title.' Ken Rosewall, who won every other title, and was a finalist at Wimbledon, is somehow regarded as one who missed the ultimate prize. Only Fred Perry's triumphs at Wimbledon are ever mentioned, never those he won in the USA, Australia or France.
    Most of the world's championships are played on hard courts. Call these 'slow' and denigrate Spain's great players as 'Spanish clay-courters', especially if they stay away from Wimbledon. The French championships are played on unappealing 'red clay', the American on 'grey clay'.
    Arthur Ashe's advice to seek for tennis champions in the North should be politely ignored, indeed never mentioned. Also his dictum: 'You will never find your next Fred Perry, Ann Jones or Virginia Wade in the Members Lounge at Queen's Club.' The British National Championships were moved to Queen's Club in 1988. Call this 'a novelty'. Your pre-Wimbledon cameras will be at Queen's Club, an event which should be mentioned as often as Wimbledon itself. Be doggedly reluctant to mention any tennis events outside the South, and pre-Wimbledon events at Birmingham or Nottingham, and especially in Scotland, may never be televised. Deafening noise from Heathrow jets must never be mentioned as detracting from the Wimbledon atmosphere.

WORKING CLASS
The North and Midlands are entirely populated by working-class folk, brass-bandsmen, footballers, miners, fishermen (v. MIDDLE CLASS). There should be plenty of leek-growing and pigeons, as well as mine and mill reminiscences. Drama series should be set in 'recession-hit areas', be entirely devoid of laughter and feature awesome over-acting.

WORLD-FAMOUS
Everything in London is world-famous: orchestras, sporting venues, football-strips, restaurants and especially hospitals. They have this status because you keep repeating it. Keep repeating it.

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WORLD HERITAGE SITES
None of the original British sites were near London, so fight furiously for London locations, the Great Western Railway and especially Kew Gardens to be recognised as World Heritage Sites. Run an annual Year at Kew series of 12 TV programmes (repeated).

YACHTS
These only exist on the south coast: Solent, Isle of Wight, Fastnet race, Howard's Way. Never Lytham or Alnmouth. All sailing programmes on radio or TV should be set south of the Wash.

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ZOO
If London Zoo is under threat, run a six-part TV series under some heart-tugging title with 'Ark' or 'Refuge' in it. Repeat the series within a month or two. Striking zoo architecture at Dudley may never be shown. In fact, mention no zoos at all except London Zoo and Whipsnade, unless the place has run out of funds and is putting down the tigers.

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NORTH AND SOUTH